Personally, I've always dealt with anxiety and panic attacks. They've never been too terrible, and not overly constant in my life, but enough to know it's squatting like a naughty toad somewhere inside of me, waiting to emerge and cause a bit of an uproar.
It had been over a year since I've had a full blown panic attack, but about two weeks ago I had one, seemingly out of the blue and with no real pin-pointable reason. It scared me. It made me begin to question whether or not how sane I am. How stable and how whole I am, as a person.
I made the decision to go talk to a counselor for the first time ever, and we covered a bunch of stuff during my session, but one thing that has been standing out to me today, is when she asked me about my interest in dating and a real long term relationship. They way she posed the question to me, was do I worry about how other perceive me? Do I want to be seen by others (romantically)?
When I've thought about before, I've always been pretty neutral on the subject. Sort of believing I could take it or leave it. But today my brain (scrambled as it is from being prodded) has yielded another response: yes, I'd like to be liked/perceived/wanted by someone else.
It's flattering to be wanted. It makes you feel like you're worth something - like who you are isn't a waste. Perhaps this is why (even though my overall interest in dating hasn't been strong) why it's disappointing when someone I think I'd like to be with or could be with, is already with someone else and therefore, not going to be interested in me.
How we see ourselves and the image we project is important to ourselves. I think we strive to make ourselves desirable. I think it's human nature to want to be wanted. Even for me.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
In the Future
Well, a little over a year past my five week backpacking journey through Europe, I've decided I'm more than ready to take another adventure. Of course the damper being that I'm now going to be starting a new job (a good thing overall, but it will slightly impede my availability).
I've decided that I want to spend some time in Germany (perhaps Denmark, and if at all possible, make my way back to Italy for a few days). I had originally planned to go to Germany on my last trip but it unfortunately time and location simply did not allow for it.
As it would happen, I could potentially go on my trip next year with the vacation I would accrue at my new job, but since I'm going to have a family wedding which will suck up plenty of vacation and money, my trip is going to be pushed to the spring of 2015. Just under two years from now. Plenty of time for me to plan and save.
I'm hoping perhaps to also take a mini vacation next fall to Boston. I'll have to wait and see on that though. Overall, I'm finding that having a stable job is going to be an asset and I can plan, save, and design my trips more easily.
I have to say I'm excited! I've been feeling a bit lately that I've lost some of my gusto, but with having decided on the perspective trips in my future, I've felt as if I've rekindled a flame within. It's made me realize how important it is to do things you love to do.
I've decided that I want to spend some time in Germany (perhaps Denmark, and if at all possible, make my way back to Italy for a few days). I had originally planned to go to Germany on my last trip but it unfortunately time and location simply did not allow for it.
As it would happen, I could potentially go on my trip next year with the vacation I would accrue at my new job, but since I'm going to have a family wedding which will suck up plenty of vacation and money, my trip is going to be pushed to the spring of 2015. Just under two years from now. Plenty of time for me to plan and save.
I'm hoping perhaps to also take a mini vacation next fall to Boston. I'll have to wait and see on that though. Overall, I'm finding that having a stable job is going to be an asset and I can plan, save, and design my trips more easily.
I have to say I'm excited! I've been feeling a bit lately that I've lost some of my gusto, but with having decided on the perspective trips in my future, I've felt as if I've rekindled a flame within. It's made me realize how important it is to do things you love to do.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Lady Luck
First, I realized how long it had been since I've posted anything and decided to jump right back into daily writing. While I realize there is probably no one who reads this, it helps for me to outline the things in my head to organize myself.
I couldn't figure out how I let myself neglect writing for so long -- when this something I really enjoy doing -- so when I finally logged back on here, and went back and reread some of my most recent posts I started considering the realizations I shared in them. I've never tried to believe I've had all the answers for myself or anyone else, but even a month and a half ago, I thought I had a lot more of them, than I actually did. At least where I concerned myself.
Let me explain: I have been, since December, working on getting myself back into "shape." I don't really know what that means, but for myself, I've been striving to be healthy, fit, and balanced. And for all the work, I can tell I feel (physically, mentally, and emotionally) better. More stable. Not perfect, and with a long way to go yet, I am feeling more positive about life, my life, overall.
Now, when I started this kick in December I was not working with a personal trainer. That happened about two months later. I suppose my end goal at that time was something much more simple and relatable: be skinny. How incredibly unimaginative for me. Right away it seemed as though my goal was exceptionally attainable. The weight starting falling off (and I was working really hard at it) and it was instantaneously noticeable. Then I met my trainer and started realizing how limiting a goal of being 'thin' actually was. Anyone can achieve being thin. I had no plans to work with him for more than a few weeks -- certainly not the 8 months it's turned into, and hopefully the months to come. I'm not sure how he did it, but slowly, patiently, he managed to convey information to me about nutrition, work outs, and a number of many other things, and in the course of doing so, has gotten me to switch around my lifestyle. When I look back to a year ago, I was not doing any of what I'm doing now. If I had been told a year ago I'd being doing it now, I probably would have laughed.
What does any of this -- the lifestyle change (not diet), the trainer, the nutrition -- have to do with anything? The answer is simple. Everything. In my pursuit of getting rid of excess weight while turning around my lifestyle to make sure this happens, I've been looking at other information for self-improvement. Typically when you go to search for one, the other appears, and rightly so. They are a pair. One without the other is only a half of a whole you need to complete a goal for balance.
Even a month and a half ago when I last posted, I didn't know that. All my previous posts about feeling unbalanced, lost, uncertain of the future, knowing I want something different, but not sure of what or how, and just wishing for it to happen, have now, suddenly cleared up for me. It's been in this past month and a half where I seriously started switching myself around, where I've realized so much more. In my research for health tips (I like information - I usually spend one weekend afternoon at my local Barnes and Noble), I've come across numerous books explaining how to actually obtain the thing you reach for. The main one, is to set a goal. A realistic, obtainable goal. Then, make a list on how you reach that goal. What do you need to do differently to get it (and you have to do something different, because you've clearly not gotten it by doing what you've been doing)?
My goal has been to figure out what I want. And while I'm still forming a solid grasp on what that may be, I take time everyday to reflect on what that is. To start, I know I want more stability in my life. Job wise. Accomplished, just recently -- I start a new job at the end of this month, after a year and half of filling out applications, taking interviews, and being rejected. That'll help. No, it's not a job that's in the field I went to school for, but it's stable. More money, and I'm keeping my current job as a very part-time position. That's my second goal - pay off some loans. That should be (mostly) accomplished by Christmas with the new job and keeping a part-time job. Outside of these two immediate goals, I have some plans, but nothing firm yet. The point of goal setting accomplishable goals, is you complete them first, then look forward again.
What I find curious is when I've shared my news about the new job with people, (friends, family, etc.) is more than one person has made a comment about how Karma and Lady Luck have been on my side (with the weight loss and new job). And not while I didn't appreciate the support and congratulations, it felt a bit - not insulting - but presumptuous that these things seemed to have just happened to me. I've been busting my butt (literally and metaphorically) for over a year on some it, to get here. Yeah, there have been tough times where I have honestly felt like throwing in the towel. Days where I knew I could quit, go back to how they were before I put in all this work, because at the time, it didn't feel as though everything I was doing was getting me anywhere. And tough days took every amount of will power and determination to get through. Telling myself I can always quit tomorrow if I wake up and still feel like it's a waste. I've been asked by some people (who know I've had rough times) why I haven't done that yet - and my response to them is "I haven't woken up tomorrow yet."
I think it helps going through all of this for my own perceptions of people. I know I've been resentful and judgmental of others when it seemed as if everything good was happening to them and I couldn't get one thing in my own life to go right. It takes a lot of work, sometimes more than it actually seems worth, to even get a tiny bit of reward in the end. I know now, eventually those tiny rewards to eventually add up to something much bigger and more complete. Even though I'm not at where I know I'm going to want to be even in five years, I know each step is important. And it's hard work, but I know I can't go back to how I was living before.
It feels good to get back to writing and put out there everything that's been rolling around in my head. While in many ways, I regret not having written hardly anything, it's been good too -- it's allowed me to focus and conclude things that are important.
Until next time.
I couldn't figure out how I let myself neglect writing for so long -- when this something I really enjoy doing -- so when I finally logged back on here, and went back and reread some of my most recent posts I started considering the realizations I shared in them. I've never tried to believe I've had all the answers for myself or anyone else, but even a month and a half ago, I thought I had a lot more of them, than I actually did. At least where I concerned myself.
Let me explain: I have been, since December, working on getting myself back into "shape." I don't really know what that means, but for myself, I've been striving to be healthy, fit, and balanced. And for all the work, I can tell I feel (physically, mentally, and emotionally) better. More stable. Not perfect, and with a long way to go yet, I am feeling more positive about life, my life, overall.
Now, when I started this kick in December I was not working with a personal trainer. That happened about two months later. I suppose my end goal at that time was something much more simple and relatable: be skinny. How incredibly unimaginative for me. Right away it seemed as though my goal was exceptionally attainable. The weight starting falling off (and I was working really hard at it) and it was instantaneously noticeable. Then I met my trainer and started realizing how limiting a goal of being 'thin' actually was. Anyone can achieve being thin. I had no plans to work with him for more than a few weeks -- certainly not the 8 months it's turned into, and hopefully the months to come. I'm not sure how he did it, but slowly, patiently, he managed to convey information to me about nutrition, work outs, and a number of many other things, and in the course of doing so, has gotten me to switch around my lifestyle. When I look back to a year ago, I was not doing any of what I'm doing now. If I had been told a year ago I'd being doing it now, I probably would have laughed.
What does any of this -- the lifestyle change (not diet), the trainer, the nutrition -- have to do with anything? The answer is simple. Everything. In my pursuit of getting rid of excess weight while turning around my lifestyle to make sure this happens, I've been looking at other information for self-improvement. Typically when you go to search for one, the other appears, and rightly so. They are a pair. One without the other is only a half of a whole you need to complete a goal for balance.
Even a month and a half ago when I last posted, I didn't know that. All my previous posts about feeling unbalanced, lost, uncertain of the future, knowing I want something different, but not sure of what or how, and just wishing for it to happen, have now, suddenly cleared up for me. It's been in this past month and a half where I seriously started switching myself around, where I've realized so much more. In my research for health tips (I like information - I usually spend one weekend afternoon at my local Barnes and Noble), I've come across numerous books explaining how to actually obtain the thing you reach for. The main one, is to set a goal. A realistic, obtainable goal. Then, make a list on how you reach that goal. What do you need to do differently to get it (and you have to do something different, because you've clearly not gotten it by doing what you've been doing)?
My goal has been to figure out what I want. And while I'm still forming a solid grasp on what that may be, I take time everyday to reflect on what that is. To start, I know I want more stability in my life. Job wise. Accomplished, just recently -- I start a new job at the end of this month, after a year and half of filling out applications, taking interviews, and being rejected. That'll help. No, it's not a job that's in the field I went to school for, but it's stable. More money, and I'm keeping my current job as a very part-time position. That's my second goal - pay off some loans. That should be (mostly) accomplished by Christmas with the new job and keeping a part-time job. Outside of these two immediate goals, I have some plans, but nothing firm yet. The point of goal setting accomplishable goals, is you complete them first, then look forward again.
What I find curious is when I've shared my news about the new job with people, (friends, family, etc.) is more than one person has made a comment about how Karma and Lady Luck have been on my side (with the weight loss and new job). And not while I didn't appreciate the support and congratulations, it felt a bit - not insulting - but presumptuous that these things seemed to have just happened to me. I've been busting my butt (literally and metaphorically) for over a year on some it, to get here. Yeah, there have been tough times where I have honestly felt like throwing in the towel. Days where I knew I could quit, go back to how they were before I put in all this work, because at the time, it didn't feel as though everything I was doing was getting me anywhere. And tough days took every amount of will power and determination to get through. Telling myself I can always quit tomorrow if I wake up and still feel like it's a waste. I've been asked by some people (who know I've had rough times) why I haven't done that yet - and my response to them is "I haven't woken up tomorrow yet."
I think it helps going through all of this for my own perceptions of people. I know I've been resentful and judgmental of others when it seemed as if everything good was happening to them and I couldn't get one thing in my own life to go right. It takes a lot of work, sometimes more than it actually seems worth, to even get a tiny bit of reward in the end. I know now, eventually those tiny rewards to eventually add up to something much bigger and more complete. Even though I'm not at where I know I'm going to want to be even in five years, I know each step is important. And it's hard work, but I know I can't go back to how I was living before.
It feels good to get back to writing and put out there everything that's been rolling around in my head. While in many ways, I regret not having written hardly anything, it's been good too -- it's allowed me to focus and conclude things that are important.
Until next time.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Living
So, with all the reflection upon life and between all the uncertainties of what do with myself, I've had a revelation of sorts. I do photography on the side (for free at the moment to build up the start of a business and for practice), and while I was going through my photos of my last shoot, I realized this is what I really want to be doing. I want to be taking personal photographs for people. Preserving authentic moments for couples, their children, their grandchildren, and anyone else. Capturing the essence of who a person is or who two people are together or as a family is such compelling thing for me to do. In addition, it's not just capturing families or couples, it's capturing the universe or something true about it. A snapshot of someone on the street or a picture of a ruined building.
For me, the thought of being able to capture a piece of beauty and relate it to others, is what I really want to be able to do. Of course this begs for the question of how do I do this full-time? The answer became simple for me: I don't. What I realized has to happen for me is an accumulation of a couple of things. The first, to find a job with more stability in my hours. Right now my job varies so much in the hours I work and the days in which I work them. I need a job where I know every single day what I'm going to be working. In addition, my job needs to be full time where I get vacation hours so I can travel. It doesn't matter where, but I just need to be able to take time off now and then. Second I need to make more money. This hinges too, on a better job. I don't need to be making a ton more money (of course it'd be a lie to say that I wouldn't love to make a lot of it - who wouldn't?), but a little more than now so I can more easily save. I suppose if this leads to an eventual full-time profession, I would be delighted. I think what I've been waiting for was to find a solution on how to make it a full time job, right now, and be successful. I've realized I've been looking at it wrong. I need to do it as a full-time interest without the expectation of living on it, but enjoying doing it and living my life in the mean time. I don't know about everything else right now, but within the last twenty-four hours, since this clicked, I've felt so much better.
I've spent a good amount of time with my friends the last few days, and I've always had trouble opening up, but I've realized I need to, so I can see if I'm alone in the way I've been feeling, and as it turns out, I'm not. And it makes me feel better to know that. It seems that my stress is down by being able to let go and share. I don't know if that's what helped me to make my realization, but it helps a bit more with the day to day.
For me, the thought of being able to capture a piece of beauty and relate it to others, is what I really want to be able to do. Of course this begs for the question of how do I do this full-time? The answer became simple for me: I don't. What I realized has to happen for me is an accumulation of a couple of things. The first, to find a job with more stability in my hours. Right now my job varies so much in the hours I work and the days in which I work them. I need a job where I know every single day what I'm going to be working. In addition, my job needs to be full time where I get vacation hours so I can travel. It doesn't matter where, but I just need to be able to take time off now and then. Second I need to make more money. This hinges too, on a better job. I don't need to be making a ton more money (of course it'd be a lie to say that I wouldn't love to make a lot of it - who wouldn't?), but a little more than now so I can more easily save. I suppose if this leads to an eventual full-time profession, I would be delighted. I think what I've been waiting for was to find a solution on how to make it a full time job, right now, and be successful. I've realized I've been looking at it wrong. I need to do it as a full-time interest without the expectation of living on it, but enjoying doing it and living my life in the mean time. I don't know about everything else right now, but within the last twenty-four hours, since this clicked, I've felt so much better.
I've spent a good amount of time with my friends the last few days, and I've always had trouble opening up, but I've realized I need to, so I can see if I'm alone in the way I've been feeling, and as it turns out, I'm not. And it makes me feel better to know that. It seems that my stress is down by being able to let go and share. I don't know if that's what helped me to make my realization, but it helps a bit more with the day to day.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Whose Expectations?
When I think about my day to day life (my job, routine, even the food I eat) I can't help but wonder whose expectations I'm living. I feel as though there is a set design in this world that determines who and what you should not only be, but what you should also want from life.
When this started to occur to me I tried thinking back to when I was little and what my response was when people asked me what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. I don't remember ever having an answer. I've never really known what I've wanted to do with my life. I still don't know - even after finishing my degree, which is suppose to be the accumulation of experiencing and figuring out what you want for your future. The only thing I've ever had an interest in is travel. And travel in the truest sense of filling up all of my senses: the sounds, colors, textures, smells, and tastes. However, there is no profession where you just get to 'travel.' There are jobs where you travel for work, but the amount of exploring and experiencing you get to do is minute.
In the mean time, where I'm still working at my college job, part time (full-time hours), and not doing anything I'm going to be happy looking back on when I'm old, I can't help but wonder what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting to just fall into the life most of society expects: the one where I meet someone and fall in love, get married, have kids, a mortgage, and a high-end middle class job? I don't think that's what I want. But at the same time, since that is the mainstream lifestyle I don't know what else I'm suppose to do or how to do it.
I've never felt like I belong or do what's 'normal' and it's hard to try to do something else when everyone else expects you to be following a certain avenue. And even more distressing is when someone asks you what you want to be doing in the future and you have no idea. I have no idea what I want. I have no plan. And I feel like I should. I can I even start looking to do something when I don't know what I'm looking for?
I feel too, that if I don't make a decision soon, it's going to be too late for me to make the one I want. The choice is going to be taken away simply because time is going to run out. I'm only going to have certain options left, and I'm going to have to settle. And I don't want to be one of those people who end up bitter because I've lived a life where I've settled for second best since that's all there was.
I know I need to figure out what my own expectations are. Then I need to make a plan on how to fulfill them. Sometimes it'd be great if the universe would just send a blatant sign. Or helping hand. Just something to get me going.
When this started to occur to me I tried thinking back to when I was little and what my response was when people asked me what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. I don't remember ever having an answer. I've never really known what I've wanted to do with my life. I still don't know - even after finishing my degree, which is suppose to be the accumulation of experiencing and figuring out what you want for your future. The only thing I've ever had an interest in is travel. And travel in the truest sense of filling up all of my senses: the sounds, colors, textures, smells, and tastes. However, there is no profession where you just get to 'travel.' There are jobs where you travel for work, but the amount of exploring and experiencing you get to do is minute.
In the mean time, where I'm still working at my college job, part time (full-time hours), and not doing anything I'm going to be happy looking back on when I'm old, I can't help but wonder what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting to just fall into the life most of society expects: the one where I meet someone and fall in love, get married, have kids, a mortgage, and a high-end middle class job? I don't think that's what I want. But at the same time, since that is the mainstream lifestyle I don't know what else I'm suppose to do or how to do it.
I've never felt like I belong or do what's 'normal' and it's hard to try to do something else when everyone else expects you to be following a certain avenue. And even more distressing is when someone asks you what you want to be doing in the future and you have no idea. I have no idea what I want. I have no plan. And I feel like I should. I can I even start looking to do something when I don't know what I'm looking for?
I feel too, that if I don't make a decision soon, it's going to be too late for me to make the one I want. The choice is going to be taken away simply because time is going to run out. I'm only going to have certain options left, and I'm going to have to settle. And I don't want to be one of those people who end up bitter because I've lived a life where I've settled for second best since that's all there was.
I know I need to figure out what my own expectations are. Then I need to make a plan on how to fulfill them. Sometimes it'd be great if the universe would just send a blatant sign. Or helping hand. Just something to get me going.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Walls
Finding yourself facing a wall is not the obstacle. The obstacle is in letting yourself believe there's no way to climb it.
As it so happens, I've been 'walling.' Lately, all around in my life, I turn and find a wall. It's discouraging. It goes from trying to believe and hold on to the idea that things will turn out how they're suppose to, to start feeling as though every wall against you, is a personal attack.
Yesterday, when confronted with just one more heavy brick, I felt like throwing in the towel on it all. It seemed like the last straw I could carry. The last slap in the face from the universe I could take with any amount of grace. Almost like a cruel joke. It made me begin to wonder why I just keep trying so hard when it feels like all I do is fail.
And that question starts a cascading flow of negative thoughts about who I am and what I'm really doing with my life; it un-dams any stability I've built for myself and it ends up isolating me. Looking back, I've realized far too many times in the past, I've given up - I've let the bricks and the walls define me and stop me.
I don't know what happened (maybe just a good night's sleep), but somehow this morning I woke up and realized all the work and changes I've been making aren't worth throwing the towel in on quite yet. I still have an end game, where I'm at now was never meant to be it, and it's just a matter of being able to keep going. One more brick on the wall is nothing. It just means a little more work to get to the top - and since I knew I wasn't done yet, it's that much easier to continue to climb.
As it so happens, I've been 'walling.' Lately, all around in my life, I turn and find a wall. It's discouraging. It goes from trying to believe and hold on to the idea that things will turn out how they're suppose to, to start feeling as though every wall against you, is a personal attack.
Yesterday, when confronted with just one more heavy brick, I felt like throwing in the towel on it all. It seemed like the last straw I could carry. The last slap in the face from the universe I could take with any amount of grace. Almost like a cruel joke. It made me begin to wonder why I just keep trying so hard when it feels like all I do is fail.
And that question starts a cascading flow of negative thoughts about who I am and what I'm really doing with my life; it un-dams any stability I've built for myself and it ends up isolating me. Looking back, I've realized far too many times in the past, I've given up - I've let the bricks and the walls define me and stop me.
I don't know what happened (maybe just a good night's sleep), but somehow this morning I woke up and realized all the work and changes I've been making aren't worth throwing the towel in on quite yet. I still have an end game, where I'm at now was never meant to be it, and it's just a matter of being able to keep going. One more brick on the wall is nothing. It just means a little more work to get to the top - and since I knew I wasn't done yet, it's that much easier to continue to climb.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Funhouse
Lately I've been doing a lot to make improvements in my life. Most of it is hard to explain, but where a portion of it lies is in taking better care of myself, physically. Since December I've gotten rid of close to 45 pounds (I'm not positive on the exact value) and have been working with a fabulous personal trainer to build my muscle strength and keep my nutrition on track.
In addition, I've been concentrating more on being happy. This doesn't, on its surface, appear as though it would be something difficult to do, but as a person who does not naturally have one of those 'bubbly' or 'calm' or happy personalities, this is a chore for me. Not that I have a depressed personality and walk around gloomy all the time, but I am a very emotional person and react emotionally to nearly everything. A couple years ago I realized that I was burning myself out reacting so strongly to everything. Every single stupid little thing I could get worked up about was a battle. I have always been this way. I realized that being this way was hindering me and stopping me from being happy. It seems contradictory but being emotional was stopping me from being happy. I've been working on this and working on letting the little things, and especially things I have no control over, go. It's much harder than you could believe.
It has seemed to me over the last four nearly five months now, my life has been pulling together. I've noticed that I feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I do attribute that to many of the changes I've been working toward. And I've been happy with how I've been the past few months.
But within the last couple of days I don't know what's happened: I feel as though I keep hitting walls. I feel as though I'm in a fun house and the possibilities or opportunities I've started imagining for myself are doors, and every door I go to open is stuck. And I have to keep pulling on doors. And every door I move onto won't budge.
Experience has taught me that things work out how they are suppose to, but it doesn't mean that the locked doors aren't disheartening. I keep yanking on door handles, getting pushed through the fun house, completely disoriented and confused, just looking for the right door to lead me out.
I don't know what my struggle is with it the last couple of days, but I feel as though I keep getting let down and disappointed by people and things. And in many ways I keep trying to tell myself these weren't mine to let me down. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for this disappointment because I'm reaching too far for myself too soon. I have made changes and have had success with them, and have noticed positive reactions from them and obviously want more.
I'm not sure what my point is. I guess right now, I feel a bit empty and let down. I feel good overall, but just down the last few days. I don't know if I'm expecting too much of myself or too much of others. Or both.
In addition, I've been concentrating more on being happy. This doesn't, on its surface, appear as though it would be something difficult to do, but as a person who does not naturally have one of those 'bubbly' or 'calm' or happy personalities, this is a chore for me. Not that I have a depressed personality and walk around gloomy all the time, but I am a very emotional person and react emotionally to nearly everything. A couple years ago I realized that I was burning myself out reacting so strongly to everything. Every single stupid little thing I could get worked up about was a battle. I have always been this way. I realized that being this way was hindering me and stopping me from being happy. It seems contradictory but being emotional was stopping me from being happy. I've been working on this and working on letting the little things, and especially things I have no control over, go. It's much harder than you could believe.
It has seemed to me over the last four nearly five months now, my life has been pulling together. I've noticed that I feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I do attribute that to many of the changes I've been working toward. And I've been happy with how I've been the past few months.
But within the last couple of days I don't know what's happened: I feel as though I keep hitting walls. I feel as though I'm in a fun house and the possibilities or opportunities I've started imagining for myself are doors, and every door I go to open is stuck. And I have to keep pulling on doors. And every door I move onto won't budge.
Experience has taught me that things work out how they are suppose to, but it doesn't mean that the locked doors aren't disheartening. I keep yanking on door handles, getting pushed through the fun house, completely disoriented and confused, just looking for the right door to lead me out.
I don't know what my struggle is with it the last couple of days, but I feel as though I keep getting let down and disappointed by people and things. And in many ways I keep trying to tell myself these weren't mine to let me down. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for this disappointment because I'm reaching too far for myself too soon. I have made changes and have had success with them, and have noticed positive reactions from them and obviously want more.
I'm not sure what my point is. I guess right now, I feel a bit empty and let down. I feel good overall, but just down the last few days. I don't know if I'm expecting too much of myself or too much of others. Or both.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
The Itch
I don't know if I've ever mentioned it here, but I know it's that tiny little author bio on one side of the website, (which is really nothing more than a blip and usually overlooked) but last spring, I took five weeks out of my daily life and backpacked through Europe. I started in Rome, Italy, and made my way up through France, Ireland, and England, finally taking my departure from London. This trip had been something I always wanted to do. When the full reality of it started becoming more than an ideal or dream and started turning into an actuality, it took me two years of careful planning, saving, and research in order to make it happen. Being the first trip I ever took alone and ever being out of the country, I needed to make sure I knew what the hell I was doing (in theory) because I knew the reality of what was going to face me when I got there was going to be completely chaotic and disorienting.
About half way through my trip I started feeling as though this was going to be enough. Five weeks backpacking on my own, completely starting over in every city with the people I met, unpacking my bag, re-packing my bag, only ever really communicating with my friends and family electronically and from thousands of miles away, I honestly believed I was ready for the next part of my life. I figured whatever had been that driving force, the drum that constantly beat in the background of my life urging me to take this trip had been silenced. On my arrival home I felt content. The familiarity of my family and friends, even my job that I don't particularly care for, was welcoming. It felt right. I lacked the desire to leave and the need to stay was stronger than ever.
Make no mistake, my trip was amazing! I had a great time. The things I got to do and see, the people I met, the things I learned, and especially the things I learned about myself, were completely worth it. But for as fun as it was too, I had a lot of ups and downs. There were days I had full blown panic attacks from being scared out of my mind. Or days I simply was struggling with the distance and the loneliness.
It has been almost exactly eleven months since I left for Europe. I suppose I'm thinking about it more now since this was the time last year I was really getting everything ready to go. It was all the last minute supply shopping, reservation confirmationing, planning, ticket checking, packing, repacking, it was absolutely everything. And now, I realize, my drum is back in full cadence, urging me to do something. To go somewhere.
The itch to be out seeing and experiencing is back and the compelling urge to simply leave is so strong. I think this time it may be even stronger than before because I know what there is to experience. I've done it once and even with the 'bad' stuff I went through on my last trip I think I'm more motivated to do it again because of it. It may be the time to start planning and saving.
It's cliche, but being young is really the time of a person's life, and if it's not now it's never.
About half way through my trip I started feeling as though this was going to be enough. Five weeks backpacking on my own, completely starting over in every city with the people I met, unpacking my bag, re-packing my bag, only ever really communicating with my friends and family electronically and from thousands of miles away, I honestly believed I was ready for the next part of my life. I figured whatever had been that driving force, the drum that constantly beat in the background of my life urging me to take this trip had been silenced. On my arrival home I felt content. The familiarity of my family and friends, even my job that I don't particularly care for, was welcoming. It felt right. I lacked the desire to leave and the need to stay was stronger than ever.
Make no mistake, my trip was amazing! I had a great time. The things I got to do and see, the people I met, the things I learned, and especially the things I learned about myself, were completely worth it. But for as fun as it was too, I had a lot of ups and downs. There were days I had full blown panic attacks from being scared out of my mind. Or days I simply was struggling with the distance and the loneliness.
It has been almost exactly eleven months since I left for Europe. I suppose I'm thinking about it more now since this was the time last year I was really getting everything ready to go. It was all the last minute supply shopping, reservation confirmationing, planning, ticket checking, packing, repacking, it was absolutely everything. And now, I realize, my drum is back in full cadence, urging me to do something. To go somewhere.
The itch to be out seeing and experiencing is back and the compelling urge to simply leave is so strong. I think this time it may be even stronger than before because I know what there is to experience. I've done it once and even with the 'bad' stuff I went through on my last trip I think I'm more motivated to do it again because of it. It may be the time to start planning and saving.
It's cliche, but being young is really the time of a person's life, and if it's not now it's never.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Non-Contradictions, Fears, and Reasons
What I find fascinating about people are the seemingly inconsistent contradictions in their personalities.That is, until you look harder at the person and realize these 'contradictions' make complete sense. For example, I knew this girl, complete girly girl, super sweet but not irritatingly so, very loving, very much a care giver, but she loved bugs. She refused to kill them. Often, when I'd spot a disturbing spider or icky centipede on the wall, and go to kill it, she'd stop me then catch and release it. The first few times this happened, I thought it was the most bizarre thing in the world. Up until I had met this girl, I had not met a girly girl, or really, any girl, who liked to free the bugs. It didn't make sense to me. But then I really started thinking about it, and concluded it made the most sense ever. She values life and living (in everything - even ugly bugs) and cares so deeply for them, she can't bring herself to kill them.
This is just one of many examples from the people I know and have met. These non-contradictions are everywhere. The things, which at first, make no sense, are the most true things about people. They are what tell you the most about who a person is.
Now, out of curiosity, I've been talking with people I know, whose opinions I value, to get a better idea of how I'm perceived. Some common words that keep appearing are: non-judgemental, independent, strong, opinionated, confident, passionate, caring, brave ('unafraid' is usually coupled with this one), smart, accepting, does the right thing, trust-worthy, and variations on all of these. So when I try to explain to them that I would in fact, rather jump out of an airplane than ask someone out, they're always surprised. To them, my hesitation/reluctance/fear of asking someone out, doesn't match their idea of who I am. How they have me figured out is as someone who just does what she does.
When this first started coming up I couldn't figure out why everyone around me had me figured out to be a person who could so easily put myself out there to another, because it's something I've never been good at. So, when I kept hearing this, I tried to take a step back from myself and figure out why there were inconsistencies between the way others see me and they way I see myself. This is where my 'non-contradictions' theory has emerged from, for the most part.
What I've realized is I am good at the things that lie outside myself. That's why I can give objective and rational advice to others, that's why I can take risks for myself that do not include others, that's why I can accept other people and their differences so easily, because they don't affect me. Not really. The interpersonal side to my life is the area I struggle with. (Previous posts explain some of this in more depth). I allow others to rely on me because I know I won't let them down; that's a part of who I am. But I've trained myself over the years to not rely on anyone else because I have been let down, and I find that one of the most disappointing things in life. To constantly be let down. I've set my mind to putting myself in second place for everything and everyone. I always expect to come second.
Rationally, I realize this is wrong. Everyone deserves to come in first, for at least a few people in their life. Everyone deserves to be loved. To be thought of first. That is something I believe, but I have hard time applying it to myself. To believe I deserve it. And I know at the root of all of it, it's fear. The fear of needing, the fear of disappointment, the fear of being alone because someone didn't want me, and the overall fear of losing all I am in another.
There are days I wish I could be the person everyone apparently sees me as. In fact, that's most days. I wish my confidence in relation to my own deeper emotions were stronger. I wish that I could say the things I'm thinking, but I don't. I'm afraid I'm the only person who feels the way I feel, and I'll sound like an idiot. I'm afraid of being rejected or laughed at. The truth is I'm afraid of other people. I'm afraid someone could love me. I'm afraid of what it would do to me.
It's a hard thing to admit. Especially since I'm a person who works hard at not needing. But lately, I find myself doing just that. I don't think I have a 'conclusion' today. I just wanted to be able to put this out there. Not where it needs to go, but it's out there.
I think the best anyone can hope to do is to get things right, at least once in our life.
This is just one of many examples from the people I know and have met. These non-contradictions are everywhere. The things, which at first, make no sense, are the most true things about people. They are what tell you the most about who a person is.
Now, out of curiosity, I've been talking with people I know, whose opinions I value, to get a better idea of how I'm perceived. Some common words that keep appearing are: non-judgemental, independent, strong, opinionated, confident, passionate, caring, brave ('unafraid' is usually coupled with this one), smart, accepting, does the right thing, trust-worthy, and variations on all of these. So when I try to explain to them that I would in fact, rather jump out of an airplane than ask someone out, they're always surprised. To them, my hesitation/reluctance/fear of asking someone out, doesn't match their idea of who I am. How they have me figured out is as someone who just does what she does.
When this first started coming up I couldn't figure out why everyone around me had me figured out to be a person who could so easily put myself out there to another, because it's something I've never been good at. So, when I kept hearing this, I tried to take a step back from myself and figure out why there were inconsistencies between the way others see me and they way I see myself. This is where my 'non-contradictions' theory has emerged from, for the most part.
What I've realized is I am good at the things that lie outside myself. That's why I can give objective and rational advice to others, that's why I can take risks for myself that do not include others, that's why I can accept other people and their differences so easily, because they don't affect me. Not really. The interpersonal side to my life is the area I struggle with. (Previous posts explain some of this in more depth). I allow others to rely on me because I know I won't let them down; that's a part of who I am. But I've trained myself over the years to not rely on anyone else because I have been let down, and I find that one of the most disappointing things in life. To constantly be let down. I've set my mind to putting myself in second place for everything and everyone. I always expect to come second.
Rationally, I realize this is wrong. Everyone deserves to come in first, for at least a few people in their life. Everyone deserves to be loved. To be thought of first. That is something I believe, but I have hard time applying it to myself. To believe I deserve it. And I know at the root of all of it, it's fear. The fear of needing, the fear of disappointment, the fear of being alone because someone didn't want me, and the overall fear of losing all I am in another.
There are days I wish I could be the person everyone apparently sees me as. In fact, that's most days. I wish my confidence in relation to my own deeper emotions were stronger. I wish that I could say the things I'm thinking, but I don't. I'm afraid I'm the only person who feels the way I feel, and I'll sound like an idiot. I'm afraid of being rejected or laughed at. The truth is I'm afraid of other people. I'm afraid someone could love me. I'm afraid of what it would do to me.
It's a hard thing to admit. Especially since I'm a person who works hard at not needing. But lately, I find myself doing just that. I don't think I have a 'conclusion' today. I just wanted to be able to put this out there. Not where it needs to go, but it's out there.
I think the best anyone can hope to do is to get things right, at least once in our life.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Obsession
Something happened several weeks ago (can I really say something happened or should it be instead that I participated willingly and knowingly in something?) that, at the time, I thought wouldn't affect me. Something I thought I could distance myself from, because usually, that's what I do. I'm good at it. Typically, distance is something I prefer; I feel it keeps me safe (or more safe than usual). Whether it actually does or not, I have no idea, but that's how it makes me feel.
Anyway, there seems to be a by-product of this 'thing' hanging around in my head. It's something I never would have ever considered. If someone had told me before hand that this would come to matter to me, I'd have said they were crazy. But now, I feel like it's consuming me. Every available thought I have is devoted to it.
I worry about obsession. About obsessing. I don't know how many other people do it, but I am constantly playing things out in my head. Dozens of scenarios clouding my judgement, impairing my ability to separate the reality of what is actually going on from the fictitious worlds in my head. I'm so consumed with trying to figure out the future, and sometimes I believe one of the worlds I've imagined might be it, I set myself up for disappointment. And the problem is I've made big decisions from the imaginary world I've created and then have to come back down to present reality and face it.
I've gotten better over the years about living outside my fantasies. I still have them, but I'm better at giving them up and recognizing them for what they are. But this time, it would be so easy to give in. And I want to so badly. I have no idea how it could turn out, and would fully expect it to go completely against me, but I feel like this is an opportunity to really open myself up exceptional disappointment. Something I usually guard myself against. I think it's important to be so fantastically let down a few times in life. I think most people are blind-sided by it, but here I am, prepping myself to walk face first into disaster.
I recognize this may be the wrong decision. I accept that it may not, and probably will not, go my way, but I can't have this pounding away inside my head indefinitely. I feel like my skull's cracking from the inside out while I obsess over it.
I don't know. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. Or an answer at all. I suppose the best I can do is plow ahead and hope for the best even if the worst should come.
Anyway, there seems to be a by-product of this 'thing' hanging around in my head. It's something I never would have ever considered. If someone had told me before hand that this would come to matter to me, I'd have said they were crazy. But now, I feel like it's consuming me. Every available thought I have is devoted to it.
I worry about obsession. About obsessing. I don't know how many other people do it, but I am constantly playing things out in my head. Dozens of scenarios clouding my judgement, impairing my ability to separate the reality of what is actually going on from the fictitious worlds in my head. I'm so consumed with trying to figure out the future, and sometimes I believe one of the worlds I've imagined might be it, I set myself up for disappointment. And the problem is I've made big decisions from the imaginary world I've created and then have to come back down to present reality and face it.
I've gotten better over the years about living outside my fantasies. I still have them, but I'm better at giving them up and recognizing them for what they are. But this time, it would be so easy to give in. And I want to so badly. I have no idea how it could turn out, and would fully expect it to go completely against me, but I feel like this is an opportunity to really open myself up exceptional disappointment. Something I usually guard myself against. I think it's important to be so fantastically let down a few times in life. I think most people are blind-sided by it, but here I am, prepping myself to walk face first into disaster.
I recognize this may be the wrong decision. I accept that it may not, and probably will not, go my way, but I can't have this pounding away inside my head indefinitely. I feel like my skull's cracking from the inside out while I obsess over it.
I don't know. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. Or an answer at all. I suppose the best I can do is plow ahead and hope for the best even if the worst should come.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Underestimate
All the romance aside, all the ideals, never forgetting to live is key. Therefore, never underestimate the power of a one-night stand. It can be good.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Like A Favorite Movie
I've been watching relationships start and stop around me. One of the big reasons I've seen a couple relationships end is because of the comfortability the two felt together after so long together. Now, as a person who personally hates the whole start of a relationship, (the 'getting to know you part') I find the comfortability part of a relationship to be one of the best parts. The newness and excitement of a romance is not nearly so thrilling me for me and often is the biggest reason I don't date. It terrifies me.
I've been thinking about relationships since some of the stuff in my life recently has included them, and I've been mulling over what my ideal relationship would be like. I think I've fantasied the future, the ending, before, but not the relationship itself. What am I looking for a relationship to be for me?
I've said before I am a huge movie lover. And it never fails, that when I want to watch a movie and I have absolutely no idea what I want to watch, and nothing sounds appealing, I have, what I refer to, as my 'classics.' There are just one or two movies I will watch over and over again, without fail, simply because I love them so much. I know every word, every voice inflection, facial expression, I know the movie start to finish.
It occurred to me the other day when I was looking for a movie to watch (and there was nothing that felt like the right thing) and I grabbed one of my 'classic' movies from the shelf to pop it in the player, that I want a relationship that is like a favorite movie.
Now there's no way of knowing before you see a movie if it's going to become a favorite, but that why you go to see it in the first place. Overall, I think relationships should be like watching a favorite movie: the first few times you see it, it's exciting and the anticipation is killing you until you reach the end, but then the longer you have a movie the more comfortable it becomes. You know every word, you know the end, you even know the soundtrack. But no matter what you always enjoy it, you quote it, you refer to it, and it always makes you feel good when you watch it, spend time with it. That's what I want from a relationship. That feeling of rightness.
I realize it may not be as exciting to stay home and watch a 'classic' as going to the theatre to see the new action packed flick or horror movie, but that's why we have all sorts of relationships and very few favorites.
I've been thinking about relationships since some of the stuff in my life recently has included them, and I've been mulling over what my ideal relationship would be like. I think I've fantasied the future, the ending, before, but not the relationship itself. What am I looking for a relationship to be for me?
I've said before I am a huge movie lover. And it never fails, that when I want to watch a movie and I have absolutely no idea what I want to watch, and nothing sounds appealing, I have, what I refer to, as my 'classics.' There are just one or two movies I will watch over and over again, without fail, simply because I love them so much. I know every word, every voice inflection, facial expression, I know the movie start to finish.
It occurred to me the other day when I was looking for a movie to watch (and there was nothing that felt like the right thing) and I grabbed one of my 'classic' movies from the shelf to pop it in the player, that I want a relationship that is like a favorite movie.
Now there's no way of knowing before you see a movie if it's going to become a favorite, but that why you go to see it in the first place. Overall, I think relationships should be like watching a favorite movie: the first few times you see it, it's exciting and the anticipation is killing you until you reach the end, but then the longer you have a movie the more comfortable it becomes. You know every word, you know the end, you even know the soundtrack. But no matter what you always enjoy it, you quote it, you refer to it, and it always makes you feel good when you watch it, spend time with it. That's what I want from a relationship. That feeling of rightness.
I realize it may not be as exciting to stay home and watch a 'classic' as going to the theatre to see the new action packed flick or horror movie, but that's why we have all sorts of relationships and very few favorites.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Holding Back
I've talked before about feeling 'stalled,' like my life has plateaued. While I've been believing the reason behind this is an accumulation of circumstances coming to head, I've also been realizing perhaps some of it's me. Just me. I'm beginning to realize I have opportunities and I blame not using them on other circumstances. I think it's because I'm afraid. I'm sitting around waiting for something to happen when I could be making things happen.
I suppose what I'm most afraid of is missing out on other opportunities (the ones I'm waiting on to happen). But more and more recently I've been realizing no matter what I do, things are still going to happen whether I'm around for them or not. Things are happening in places I'm not in now to people I don't yet know or care about.
I've been so afraid about needing to make the decision between one life or another that I'm not doing either. And that's not living. I think part of it too, is I've had stuff going on with people I love and by pure chance I've been here to help. It scares me to think that if I hadn't been here they'd have been left alone. Not that they couldn't and wouldn't have been able to handle their situations or get through them, but I'm afraid that where I'd be able to help I'll be removing myself from those moments.
I'm living a life dominated by fear. Fear is the greatest inhibitor, no matter if things turn out good or bad or somewhere in between. Chances are the key to living fully and my own fears, whether they're only in my head or if they're real are the things holding me back.
I know now that I have to work on moving past my fears and regardless how life turns out be thankful for the opportunities.
I suppose what I'm most afraid of is missing out on other opportunities (the ones I'm waiting on to happen). But more and more recently I've been realizing no matter what I do, things are still going to happen whether I'm around for them or not. Things are happening in places I'm not in now to people I don't yet know or care about.
I've been so afraid about needing to make the decision between one life or another that I'm not doing either. And that's not living. I think part of it too, is I've had stuff going on with people I love and by pure chance I've been here to help. It scares me to think that if I hadn't been here they'd have been left alone. Not that they couldn't and wouldn't have been able to handle their situations or get through them, but I'm afraid that where I'd be able to help I'll be removing myself from those moments.
I'm living a life dominated by fear. Fear is the greatest inhibitor, no matter if things turn out good or bad or somewhere in between. Chances are the key to living fully and my own fears, whether they're only in my head or if they're real are the things holding me back.
I know now that I have to work on moving past my fears and regardless how life turns out be thankful for the opportunities.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
A New Year
Well, 2013 has arrived and I left everything from 2012 right where I last laid it down. I've always thought that New Year's resolutions and goals to be a bit silly, not because trying to be better is bad or wrong, but because it's never made sense to me to try to make changes that are supposedly so important to yourself at the start of a new year. Why not just start when you realize they're important for you to change? I've always intellectually understood the premise of a new year, a clean slate, but it doesn't mean the year before doesn't carry into the new one. If our lives are a book, and each year a chapter, the newest chapter means nothing without the previous. We are nothing without our history. Of course too, I don't think this should mean people shouldn't strive to be better and grow, but there are so many factors to contribute to this. A new year, to me, has never seemed to be the pivotal point we should rely on. Realistically, I think the very smallest minimum is a day. A day is a chapter of our lives, and every day we awake we should strive to be a better version of ourselves.
Now, I don't know if it's the Universe's way of getting in a little dig, but as it would happen, last night, New Year's Eve, awfully close to midnight, I sort of had a revelation (I'll do a quick recap here so the revelation makes sense). I've talked about my hereditary Catholic guilt, the always feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough (even though it's always more than required), the worry about making others feel bad, and the hesitation for extremely personal relationships. Before I've always had a grasp on why these things 'hold me back' for lack of a better explanation, but my reasoning never seemed quite solid, even to me. I've finally realized, I've finally gotten a firm hold on what's been holding me back. It's not a lack of courage, it's not the worry of being rejected, but it's the extreme fear of being a disappointment. The idea that I could so horribly disappoint someone else scares the shit out of me. Because then I've failed. When I don't have to concern myself with how what I do is affecting another then there's no one to let down.
What if I become a writer or photographer? What if what I do doesn't bring joy or smiles? Or I can't give them what they want? What if I'm in a relationship with someone and I don't make them happy? What if they start to realize there's someone out there who's better? Could I blame them for leaving? I know basing my life and life's happiness off of trying to please others is irrational, but to a degree it's also dependent on doing just that. I could never hold a job if I don't meet certain expectations. No one could.
I don't know why this is my biggest fear, but there it is. I'm afraid of being a disappointment. Of never quite being enough. I guess with this new year, since the timing is against me, my goal, resolution, is to find ways to recreate my self worth, and take the chances I've been avoiding.
Now, I don't know if it's the Universe's way of getting in a little dig, but as it would happen, last night, New Year's Eve, awfully close to midnight, I sort of had a revelation (I'll do a quick recap here so the revelation makes sense). I've talked about my hereditary Catholic guilt, the always feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough (even though it's always more than required), the worry about making others feel bad, and the hesitation for extremely personal relationships. Before I've always had a grasp on why these things 'hold me back' for lack of a better explanation, but my reasoning never seemed quite solid, even to me. I've finally realized, I've finally gotten a firm hold on what's been holding me back. It's not a lack of courage, it's not the worry of being rejected, but it's the extreme fear of being a disappointment. The idea that I could so horribly disappoint someone else scares the shit out of me. Because then I've failed. When I don't have to concern myself with how what I do is affecting another then there's no one to let down.
What if I become a writer or photographer? What if what I do doesn't bring joy or smiles? Or I can't give them what they want? What if I'm in a relationship with someone and I don't make them happy? What if they start to realize there's someone out there who's better? Could I blame them for leaving? I know basing my life and life's happiness off of trying to please others is irrational, but to a degree it's also dependent on doing just that. I could never hold a job if I don't meet certain expectations. No one could.
I don't know why this is my biggest fear, but there it is. I'm afraid of being a disappointment. Of never quite being enough. I guess with this new year, since the timing is against me, my goal, resolution, is to find ways to recreate my self worth, and take the chances I've been avoiding.
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