First, I realized how long it had been since I've posted anything and decided to jump right back into daily writing. While I realize there is probably no one who reads this, it helps for me to outline the things in my head to organize myself.
I couldn't figure out how I let myself neglect writing for so long -- when this something I really enjoy doing -- so when I finally logged back on here, and went back and reread some of my most recent posts I started considering the realizations I shared in them. I've never tried to believe I've had all the answers for myself or anyone else, but even a month and a half ago, I thought I had a lot more of them, than I actually did. At least where I concerned myself.
Let me explain: I have been, since December, working on getting myself back into "shape." I don't really know what that means, but for myself, I've been striving to be healthy, fit, and balanced. And for all the work, I can tell I feel (physically, mentally, and emotionally) better. More stable. Not perfect, and with a long way to go yet, I am feeling more positive about life, my life, overall.
Now, when I started this kick in December I was not working with a personal trainer. That happened about two months later. I suppose my end goal at that time was something much more simple and relatable: be skinny. How incredibly unimaginative for me. Right away it seemed as though my goal was exceptionally attainable. The weight starting falling off (and I was working really hard at it) and it was instantaneously noticeable. Then I met my trainer and started realizing how limiting a goal of being 'thin' actually was. Anyone can achieve being thin. I had no plans to work with him for more than a few weeks -- certainly not the 8 months it's turned into, and hopefully the months to come. I'm not sure how he did it, but slowly, patiently, he managed to convey information to me about nutrition, work outs, and a number of many other things, and in the course of doing so, has gotten me to switch around my lifestyle. When I look back to a year ago, I was not doing any of what I'm doing now. If I had been told a year ago I'd being doing it now, I probably would have laughed.
What does any of this -- the lifestyle change (not diet), the trainer, the nutrition -- have to do with anything? The answer is simple. Everything. In my pursuit of getting rid of excess weight while turning around my lifestyle to make sure this happens, I've been looking at other information for self-improvement. Typically when you go to search for one, the other appears, and rightly so. They are a pair. One without the other is only a half of a whole you need to complete a goal for balance.
Even a month and a half ago when I last posted, I didn't know that. All my previous posts about feeling unbalanced, lost, uncertain of the future, knowing I want something different, but not sure of what or how, and just wishing for it to happen, have now, suddenly cleared up for me. It's been in this past month and a half where I seriously started switching myself around, where I've realized so much more. In my research for health tips (I like information - I usually spend one weekend afternoon at my local Barnes and Noble), I've come across numerous books explaining how to actually obtain the thing you reach for. The main one, is to set a goal. A realistic, obtainable goal. Then, make a list on how you reach that goal. What do you need to do differently to get it (and you have to do something different, because you've clearly not gotten it by doing what you've been doing)?
My goal has been to figure out what I want. And while I'm still forming a solid grasp on what that may be, I take time everyday to reflect on what that is. To start, I know I want more stability in my life. Job wise. Accomplished, just recently -- I start a new job at the end of this month, after a year and half of filling out applications, taking interviews, and being rejected. That'll help. No, it's not a job that's in the field I went to school for, but it's stable. More money, and I'm keeping my current job as a very part-time position. That's my second goal - pay off some loans. That should be (mostly) accomplished by Christmas with the new job and keeping a part-time job. Outside of these two immediate goals, I have some plans, but nothing firm yet. The point of goal setting accomplishable goals, is you complete them first, then look forward again.
What I find curious is when I've shared my news about the new job with people, (friends, family, etc.) is more than one person has made a comment about how Karma and Lady Luck have been on my side (with the weight loss and new job). And not while I didn't appreciate the support and congratulations, it felt a bit - not insulting - but presumptuous that these things seemed to have just happened to me. I've been busting my butt (literally and metaphorically) for over a year on some it, to get here. Yeah, there have been tough times where I have honestly felt like throwing in the towel. Days where I knew I could quit, go back to how they were before I put in all this work, because at the time, it didn't feel as though everything I was doing was getting me anywhere. And tough days took every amount of will power and determination to get through. Telling myself I can always quit tomorrow if I wake up and still feel like it's a waste. I've been asked by some people (who know I've had rough times) why I haven't done that yet - and my response to them is "I haven't woken up tomorrow yet."
I think it helps going through all of this for my own perceptions of people. I know I've been resentful and judgmental of others when it seemed as if everything good was happening to them and I couldn't get one thing in my own life to go right. It takes a lot of work, sometimes more than it actually seems worth, to even get a tiny bit of reward in the end. I know now, eventually those tiny rewards to eventually add up to something much bigger and more complete. Even though I'm not at where I know I'm going to want to be even in five years, I know each step is important. And it's hard work, but I know I can't go back to how I was living before.
It feels good to get back to writing and put out there everything that's been rolling around in my head. While in many ways, I regret not having written hardly anything, it's been good too -- it's allowed me to focus and conclude things that are important.
Until next time.
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