What I find fascinating about people are the seemingly inconsistent contradictions in their personalities.That is, until you look harder at the person and realize these 'contradictions' make complete sense. For example, I knew this girl, complete girly girl, super sweet but not irritatingly so, very loving, very much a care giver, but she loved bugs. She refused to kill them. Often, when I'd spot a disturbing spider or icky centipede on the wall, and go to kill it, she'd stop me then catch and release it. The first few times this happened, I thought it was the most bizarre thing in the world. Up until I had met this girl, I had not met a girly girl, or really, any girl, who liked to free the bugs. It didn't make sense to me. But then I really started thinking about it, and concluded it made the most sense ever. She values life and living (in everything - even ugly bugs) and cares so deeply for them, she can't bring herself to kill them.
This is just one of many examples from the people I know and have met. These non-contradictions are everywhere. The things, which at first, make no sense, are the most true things about people. They are what tell you the most about who a person is.
Now, out of curiosity, I've been talking with people I know, whose opinions I value, to get a better idea of how I'm perceived. Some common words that keep appearing are: non-judgemental, independent, strong, opinionated, confident, passionate, caring, brave ('unafraid' is usually coupled with this one), smart, accepting, does the right thing, trust-worthy, and variations on all of these. So when I try to explain to them that I would in fact, rather jump out of an airplane than ask someone out, they're always surprised. To them, my hesitation/reluctance/fear of asking someone out, doesn't match their idea of who I am. How they have me figured out is as someone who just does what she does.
When this first started coming up I couldn't figure out why everyone around me had me figured out to be a person who could so easily put myself out there to another, because it's something I've never been good at. So, when I kept hearing this, I tried to take a step back from myself and figure out why there were inconsistencies between the way others see me and they way I see myself. This is where my 'non-contradictions' theory has emerged from, for the most part.
What I've realized is I am good at the things that lie outside myself. That's why I can give objective and rational advice to others, that's why I can take risks for myself that do not include others, that's why I can accept other people and their differences so easily, because they don't affect me. Not really. The interpersonal side to my life is the area I struggle with. (Previous posts explain some of this in more depth). I allow others to rely on me because I know I won't let them down; that's a part of who I am. But I've trained myself over the years to not rely on anyone else because I have been let down, and I find that one of the most disappointing things in life. To constantly be let down. I've set my mind to putting myself in second place for everything and everyone. I always expect to come second.
Rationally, I realize this is wrong. Everyone deserves to come in first, for at least a few people in their life. Everyone deserves to be loved. To be thought of first. That is something I believe, but I have hard time applying it to myself. To believe I deserve it. And I know at the root of all of it, it's fear. The fear of needing, the fear of disappointment, the fear of being alone because someone didn't want me, and the overall fear of losing all I am in another.
There are days I wish I could be the person everyone apparently sees me as. In fact, that's most days. I wish my confidence in relation to my own deeper emotions were stronger. I wish that I could say the things I'm thinking, but I don't. I'm afraid I'm the only person who feels the way I feel, and I'll sound like an idiot. I'm afraid of being rejected or laughed at. The truth is I'm afraid of other people. I'm afraid someone could love me. I'm afraid of what it would do to me.
It's a hard thing to admit. Especially since I'm a person who works hard at not needing. But lately, I find myself doing just that. I don't think I have a 'conclusion' today. I just wanted to be able to put this out there. Not where it needs to go, but it's out there.
I think the best anyone can hope to do is to get things right, at least once in our life.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Obsession
Something happened several weeks ago (can I really say something happened or should it be instead that I participated willingly and knowingly in something?) that, at the time, I thought wouldn't affect me. Something I thought I could distance myself from, because usually, that's what I do. I'm good at it. Typically, distance is something I prefer; I feel it keeps me safe (or more safe than usual). Whether it actually does or not, I have no idea, but that's how it makes me feel.
Anyway, there seems to be a by-product of this 'thing' hanging around in my head. It's something I never would have ever considered. If someone had told me before hand that this would come to matter to me, I'd have said they were crazy. But now, I feel like it's consuming me. Every available thought I have is devoted to it.
I worry about obsession. About obsessing. I don't know how many other people do it, but I am constantly playing things out in my head. Dozens of scenarios clouding my judgement, impairing my ability to separate the reality of what is actually going on from the fictitious worlds in my head. I'm so consumed with trying to figure out the future, and sometimes I believe one of the worlds I've imagined might be it, I set myself up for disappointment. And the problem is I've made big decisions from the imaginary world I've created and then have to come back down to present reality and face it.
I've gotten better over the years about living outside my fantasies. I still have them, but I'm better at giving them up and recognizing them for what they are. But this time, it would be so easy to give in. And I want to so badly. I have no idea how it could turn out, and would fully expect it to go completely against me, but I feel like this is an opportunity to really open myself up exceptional disappointment. Something I usually guard myself against. I think it's important to be so fantastically let down a few times in life. I think most people are blind-sided by it, but here I am, prepping myself to walk face first into disaster.
I recognize this may be the wrong decision. I accept that it may not, and probably will not, go my way, but I can't have this pounding away inside my head indefinitely. I feel like my skull's cracking from the inside out while I obsess over it.
I don't know. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. Or an answer at all. I suppose the best I can do is plow ahead and hope for the best even if the worst should come.
Anyway, there seems to be a by-product of this 'thing' hanging around in my head. It's something I never would have ever considered. If someone had told me before hand that this would come to matter to me, I'd have said they were crazy. But now, I feel like it's consuming me. Every available thought I have is devoted to it.
I worry about obsession. About obsessing. I don't know how many other people do it, but I am constantly playing things out in my head. Dozens of scenarios clouding my judgement, impairing my ability to separate the reality of what is actually going on from the fictitious worlds in my head. I'm so consumed with trying to figure out the future, and sometimes I believe one of the worlds I've imagined might be it, I set myself up for disappointment. And the problem is I've made big decisions from the imaginary world I've created and then have to come back down to present reality and face it.
I've gotten better over the years about living outside my fantasies. I still have them, but I'm better at giving them up and recognizing them for what they are. But this time, it would be so easy to give in. And I want to so badly. I have no idea how it could turn out, and would fully expect it to go completely against me, but I feel like this is an opportunity to really open myself up exceptional disappointment. Something I usually guard myself against. I think it's important to be so fantastically let down a few times in life. I think most people are blind-sided by it, but here I am, prepping myself to walk face first into disaster.
I recognize this may be the wrong decision. I accept that it may not, and probably will not, go my way, but I can't have this pounding away inside my head indefinitely. I feel like my skull's cracking from the inside out while I obsess over it.
I don't know. I don't know if there is a right or wrong answer. Or an answer at all. I suppose the best I can do is plow ahead and hope for the best even if the worst should come.
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