So, with all the reflection upon life and between all the uncertainties of what do with myself, I've had a revelation of sorts. I do photography on the side (for free at the moment to build up the start of a business and for practice), and while I was going through my photos of my last shoot, I realized this is what I really want to be doing. I want to be taking personal photographs for people. Preserving authentic moments for couples, their children, their grandchildren, and anyone else. Capturing the essence of who a person is or who two people are together or as a family is such compelling thing for me to do. In addition, it's not just capturing families or couples, it's capturing the universe or something true about it. A snapshot of someone on the street or a picture of a ruined building.
For me, the thought of being able to capture a piece of beauty and relate it to others, is what I really want to be able to do. Of course this begs for the question of how do I do this full-time? The answer became simple for me: I don't. What I realized has to happen for me is an accumulation of a couple of things. The first, to find a job with more stability in my hours. Right now my job varies so much in the hours I work and the days in which I work them. I need a job where I know every single day what I'm going to be working. In addition, my job needs to be full time where I get vacation hours so I can travel. It doesn't matter where, but I just need to be able to take time off now and then. Second I need to make more money. This hinges too, on a better job. I don't need to be making a ton more money (of course it'd be a lie to say that I wouldn't love to make a lot of it - who wouldn't?), but a little more than now so I can more easily save. I suppose if this leads to an eventual full-time profession, I would be delighted. I think what I've been waiting for was to find a solution on how to make it a full time job, right now, and be successful. I've realized I've been looking at it wrong. I need to do it as a full-time interest without the expectation of living on it, but enjoying doing it and living my life in the mean time. I don't know about everything else right now, but within the last twenty-four hours, since this clicked, I've felt so much better.
I've spent a good amount of time with my friends the last few days, and I've always had trouble opening up, but I've realized I need to, so I can see if I'm alone in the way I've been feeling, and as it turns out, I'm not. And it makes me feel better to know that. It seems that my stress is down by being able to let go and share. I don't know if that's what helped me to make my realization, but it helps a bit more with the day to day.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Whose Expectations?
When I think about my day to day life (my job, routine, even the food I eat) I can't help but wonder whose expectations I'm living. I feel as though there is a set design in this world that determines who and what you should not only be, but what you should also want from life.
When this started to occur to me I tried thinking back to when I was little and what my response was when people asked me what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. I don't remember ever having an answer. I've never really known what I've wanted to do with my life. I still don't know - even after finishing my degree, which is suppose to be the accumulation of experiencing and figuring out what you want for your future. The only thing I've ever had an interest in is travel. And travel in the truest sense of filling up all of my senses: the sounds, colors, textures, smells, and tastes. However, there is no profession where you just get to 'travel.' There are jobs where you travel for work, but the amount of exploring and experiencing you get to do is minute.
In the mean time, where I'm still working at my college job, part time (full-time hours), and not doing anything I'm going to be happy looking back on when I'm old, I can't help but wonder what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting to just fall into the life most of society expects: the one where I meet someone and fall in love, get married, have kids, a mortgage, and a high-end middle class job? I don't think that's what I want. But at the same time, since that is the mainstream lifestyle I don't know what else I'm suppose to do or how to do it.
I've never felt like I belong or do what's 'normal' and it's hard to try to do something else when everyone else expects you to be following a certain avenue. And even more distressing is when someone asks you what you want to be doing in the future and you have no idea. I have no idea what I want. I have no plan. And I feel like I should. I can I even start looking to do something when I don't know what I'm looking for?
I feel too, that if I don't make a decision soon, it's going to be too late for me to make the one I want. The choice is going to be taken away simply because time is going to run out. I'm only going to have certain options left, and I'm going to have to settle. And I don't want to be one of those people who end up bitter because I've lived a life where I've settled for second best since that's all there was.
I know I need to figure out what my own expectations are. Then I need to make a plan on how to fulfill them. Sometimes it'd be great if the universe would just send a blatant sign. Or helping hand. Just something to get me going.
When this started to occur to me I tried thinking back to when I was little and what my response was when people asked me what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. I don't remember ever having an answer. I've never really known what I've wanted to do with my life. I still don't know - even after finishing my degree, which is suppose to be the accumulation of experiencing and figuring out what you want for your future. The only thing I've ever had an interest in is travel. And travel in the truest sense of filling up all of my senses: the sounds, colors, textures, smells, and tastes. However, there is no profession where you just get to 'travel.' There are jobs where you travel for work, but the amount of exploring and experiencing you get to do is minute.
In the mean time, where I'm still working at my college job, part time (full-time hours), and not doing anything I'm going to be happy looking back on when I'm old, I can't help but wonder what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting to just fall into the life most of society expects: the one where I meet someone and fall in love, get married, have kids, a mortgage, and a high-end middle class job? I don't think that's what I want. But at the same time, since that is the mainstream lifestyle I don't know what else I'm suppose to do or how to do it.
I've never felt like I belong or do what's 'normal' and it's hard to try to do something else when everyone else expects you to be following a certain avenue. And even more distressing is when someone asks you what you want to be doing in the future and you have no idea. I have no idea what I want. I have no plan. And I feel like I should. I can I even start looking to do something when I don't know what I'm looking for?
I feel too, that if I don't make a decision soon, it's going to be too late for me to make the one I want. The choice is going to be taken away simply because time is going to run out. I'm only going to have certain options left, and I'm going to have to settle. And I don't want to be one of those people who end up bitter because I've lived a life where I've settled for second best since that's all there was.
I know I need to figure out what my own expectations are. Then I need to make a plan on how to fulfill them. Sometimes it'd be great if the universe would just send a blatant sign. Or helping hand. Just something to get me going.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Walls
Finding yourself facing a wall is not the obstacle. The obstacle is in letting yourself believe there's no way to climb it.
As it so happens, I've been 'walling.' Lately, all around in my life, I turn and find a wall. It's discouraging. It goes from trying to believe and hold on to the idea that things will turn out how they're suppose to, to start feeling as though every wall against you, is a personal attack.
Yesterday, when confronted with just one more heavy brick, I felt like throwing in the towel on it all. It seemed like the last straw I could carry. The last slap in the face from the universe I could take with any amount of grace. Almost like a cruel joke. It made me begin to wonder why I just keep trying so hard when it feels like all I do is fail.
And that question starts a cascading flow of negative thoughts about who I am and what I'm really doing with my life; it un-dams any stability I've built for myself and it ends up isolating me. Looking back, I've realized far too many times in the past, I've given up - I've let the bricks and the walls define me and stop me.
I don't know what happened (maybe just a good night's sleep), but somehow this morning I woke up and realized all the work and changes I've been making aren't worth throwing the towel in on quite yet. I still have an end game, where I'm at now was never meant to be it, and it's just a matter of being able to keep going. One more brick on the wall is nothing. It just means a little more work to get to the top - and since I knew I wasn't done yet, it's that much easier to continue to climb.
As it so happens, I've been 'walling.' Lately, all around in my life, I turn and find a wall. It's discouraging. It goes from trying to believe and hold on to the idea that things will turn out how they're suppose to, to start feeling as though every wall against you, is a personal attack.
Yesterday, when confronted with just one more heavy brick, I felt like throwing in the towel on it all. It seemed like the last straw I could carry. The last slap in the face from the universe I could take with any amount of grace. Almost like a cruel joke. It made me begin to wonder why I just keep trying so hard when it feels like all I do is fail.
And that question starts a cascading flow of negative thoughts about who I am and what I'm really doing with my life; it un-dams any stability I've built for myself and it ends up isolating me. Looking back, I've realized far too many times in the past, I've given up - I've let the bricks and the walls define me and stop me.
I don't know what happened (maybe just a good night's sleep), but somehow this morning I woke up and realized all the work and changes I've been making aren't worth throwing the towel in on quite yet. I still have an end game, where I'm at now was never meant to be it, and it's just a matter of being able to keep going. One more brick on the wall is nothing. It just means a little more work to get to the top - and since I knew I wasn't done yet, it's that much easier to continue to climb.
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