Whose Expectations?

When I think about my day to day life (my job, routine, even the food I eat) I can't help but wonder whose expectations I'm living. I feel as though there is a set design in this world that determines who and what you should not only be, but what you should also want from life.

When this started to occur to me I tried thinking back to when I was little and what my response was when people asked me what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. I don't remember ever having an answer. I've never really known what I've wanted to do with my life. I still don't know - even after finishing my degree, which is suppose to be the accumulation of experiencing and figuring out what you want for your future. The only thing I've ever had an interest in is travel. And travel in the truest sense of filling up all of my senses: the sounds, colors, textures, smells, and tastes. However, there is no profession where you just get to 'travel.' There are jobs where you travel for work, but the amount of exploring and experiencing you get to do is minute.

In the mean time, where I'm still working at my college job, part time (full-time hours), and not doing anything I'm going to be happy looking back on when I'm old, I can't help but wonder what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting to just fall into the life most of society expects: the one where I meet someone and fall in love, get married, have kids, a mortgage, and a high-end middle class job? I don't think that's what I want. But at the same time, since that is the mainstream lifestyle I don't know what else I'm suppose to do or how to do it.

I've never felt like I belong or do what's 'normal' and it's hard to try to do something else when everyone else expects you to be following a certain avenue. And even more distressing is when someone asks you what you want to be doing in the future and you have no idea. I have no idea what I want. I have no plan. And I feel like I should. I can I even start looking to do something when I don't know what I'm looking for?

I feel too, that if I don't make a decision soon, it's going to be too late for me to make the one I want. The choice is going to be taken away simply because time is going to run out. I'm only going to have certain options left, and I'm going to have to settle. And I don't want to be one of those people who end up bitter because I've lived a life where I've settled for second best since that's all there was.

I know I need to figure out what my own expectations are. Then I need to make a plan on how to fulfill them. Sometimes it'd be great if the universe would just send a blatant sign. Or helping hand. Just something to get me going.