I find myself in a current situation where I'm watching someone I love and care about very much about to make some serious bad decisions. Unfortunately, this is not a case where I can address the issue head on because it would seem like an attack (no one likes unsolicited advice about personal/family matters). And I can't go to someone else and have them speak with this person - it would be the 'behind my back' attack.
I can't go into much more detail but this is a case where there is no answer, no solution to this problem. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I know even if I didn't lose this person by saying something, an irreparable rift would form and always be between us. I know too, if I don't say anything, I am going to watch my friend have their heart broken. Maybe not tomorrow or a year from now, but sometime in the coming years, it will happen. My only consolation is the support I'll be able to offer then. But, as a person of action, I know that this could potentially be avoided by saying something now. I won't feel good when these eventual years roll around and the best I can do is say "I saw this coming."
I'm standing on top of a cliff, watching my dear friend running toward the ledge for the opportunity of a lifetime, and if I stop them, they'll never get another chance; I also don't know if there's a ledge they'll land on just five feet down.
The impossible situation is always the hardest because there is no good answer. There are choices but no choice is really better than the other. So is the choice to make the one that causes the least amount of damage? And is damage relative? Do I get to say what is the worst form? I don't know.
I guess for now, because I know that saying something will not create any change, I'm going to stand by and watch, (and hope) there is a soft landing just over the edge that I am not able to see.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Missing Pages
Lately life has been feeling 'stalled' for me. I look around and see my friends and family all moving forward with their lives and can't help but feel stuck. I'm stuck at my college job because I can't get hired anywhere else (who can with this economy?), no serious relationship, and I mostly spend my nights at home. And really, that's all I want to do after waiting on several hundred people a day. And that is the catch 22 in this twisted vicious circle of 'not having a life.'
The other problem I find myself facing is "what do I want?" While I look at my friends and family I see them happy and doing the -- normal, for lack of a better word -- progression: relationship, moving in, marriage, family, jobs, ect. And there's nothing wrong with this, and they're happy. But I don't know if that's how I want to do it. I know I will want a family and love, but I feel strange for not feeling much interest in it now. And inevitably since my older sister and younger brother are both committed I frequently face the question of "So are you seeing anyone? How's the job hunt going? Are you moving soon?" And every time I get these questions get that feeling of being stalled. Because the truth is I am stalled.
Have you ever read a book where there are a few pages missing? And even though you get the general idea of what occurred in those few pages from reading around it, you can't help but feeling cheated, as though that small missing bit is the key to something bigger? I feel like a book with missing pages. I'm not sure what story I am or even my ending, but I feel like there's a crucial piece that holds the answer to the next chapter in my life. If only I could turn the page.
I know LIFE is all about the unknown, but it's also not about doing nothing. And no matter what I try to do, I feel a big nothingness right now. I'm hoping for a nice wind of change to blow through and maybe lift the next page for me when I least expect it. Or maybe a cabana boy carrying a new copy of my book to my front door.
The other problem I find myself facing is "what do I want?" While I look at my friends and family I see them happy and doing the -- normal, for lack of a better word -- progression: relationship, moving in, marriage, family, jobs, ect. And there's nothing wrong with this, and they're happy. But I don't know if that's how I want to do it. I know I will want a family and love, but I feel strange for not feeling much interest in it now. And inevitably since my older sister and younger brother are both committed I frequently face the question of "So are you seeing anyone? How's the job hunt going? Are you moving soon?" And every time I get these questions get that feeling of being stalled. Because the truth is I am stalled.
Have you ever read a book where there are a few pages missing? And even though you get the general idea of what occurred in those few pages from reading around it, you can't help but feeling cheated, as though that small missing bit is the key to something bigger? I feel like a book with missing pages. I'm not sure what story I am or even my ending, but I feel like there's a crucial piece that holds the answer to the next chapter in my life. If only I could turn the page.
I know LIFE is all about the unknown, but it's also not about doing nothing. And no matter what I try to do, I feel a big nothingness right now. I'm hoping for a nice wind of change to blow through and maybe lift the next page for me when I least expect it. Or maybe a cabana boy carrying a new copy of my book to my front door.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Listening to the World
Today is cloudy with a chance of storms. This is the first day where the sun has been hidden in nearly three weeks. It seems the clouds lend to a tranquility in people and places. If I go out people all around me seem to move with a little less briskness and steady determination. If I go into establishments the motivation employees may usually show, is gone.
I never gave it much consideration before, but what if cloudy and rainy days are the world's way of telling us to slow down? The feeling of waking up from hearing rain beat constant against the sidewalk or the window and wanting nothing more than to snuggle back into bed with a comfortable laziness, and knowing it'll be a perfect day even if no task is accomplished, can be such an uplifting feeling. How often do we have a day off and spend it doing chores or running errands? I must believe when the world subtly influences us to slow down we should listen. If feeling a bit lazy is a natural by-product of a gray sky, then why shouldn't we delight in a day of simplicity?
For just a few moments here, I have laid on my couch, played Adele softly in the background, and the let breeze float over me. I think if we were able to achieve one moment of serenity in our day to day lives we could all be so much happier. We worry too much about completing and taking care of the things surrounding us, and often forget to give some of that care to ourselves.
Lets listen to the world a bit more.
I never gave it much consideration before, but what if cloudy and rainy days are the world's way of telling us to slow down? The feeling of waking up from hearing rain beat constant against the sidewalk or the window and wanting nothing more than to snuggle back into bed with a comfortable laziness, and knowing it'll be a perfect day even if no task is accomplished, can be such an uplifting feeling. How often do we have a day off and spend it doing chores or running errands? I must believe when the world subtly influences us to slow down we should listen. If feeling a bit lazy is a natural by-product of a gray sky, then why shouldn't we delight in a day of simplicity?
For just a few moments here, I have laid on my couch, played Adele softly in the background, and the let breeze float over me. I think if we were able to achieve one moment of serenity in our day to day lives we could all be so much happier. We worry too much about completing and taking care of the things surrounding us, and often forget to give some of that care to ourselves.
Lets listen to the world a bit more.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Welcome to the Desktop
Hello, good readers.
I'm not exactly sure about how to do this - it's quite unlike my backpacking blog, where I'd post about my daily excursions, emotions, challenges, and revelations. This, this is something else entirely.
As I named it, this is sort of the place I'm putting the overfill from my brain. For those of you who do not know me well, here's a little bit about me: if I have a piece of paper and a pen in front of me, with no direct purpose (such as note taking), or if I find the purpose dull and unengaging, I tend to doodle little pictures, write random words or phrases, and scattered thoughts that flit through my brain.
While keeping that in mind, please know that I do not always have my thoughts finalized and polished, which means, the posts on the blog may not be always be complete or even make sense. For that, I am not sorry - because for the poor unfortunate souls (I just had a flash of a mermaid with red hair go through my head) who come across this and decide to brave it, fair warning was given. Of course, I have to wonder if you are subjecting yourself to this blog, if you're not a bit of a masochist? After all, sometimes not even I want to be in my head, I'm not exactly sure why anyone else would either.
I've been debating for nearly a month and a half if I really wanted to start a new blog. It does take work and dedication, and while I don't have much going on in my life at the moment - and so, can afford the time it takes - I haven't been sure if it's what I really wanted to be doing with my time. That, and how could anyone possibly find anything I say interesting, let alone, worth reading? I've decided that even if no one reads this, it makes me accountable to myself. It gives me time to directly reflect on who I am, and what I want to change about myself to be a better person. And that alone is worth the time (for anyone).
Part of the other reason I decided to forge ahead with this, is I realized, for nearly five weeks of my life, I wrote something. Since, in my head, I aspire to be a published author one day, the act of writing anything is a good exercise. And I realized I enjoy the simple act of writing. It holds in itself a simple release of...purging. Being able to put out and let go of anything you've been clinging to helps lift off a mental weight. Ever try speaking to the wind about your troubles? If so, you know it feels good to say them out loud, even while you know you won't get an answer or advice. It just helps to get it out. If you've never done this, I suggest trying it. It's cheaper than therapy. So I suppose that is part of my aim with this blog too. To help myself stay purged of everything that begins to be too much, even if it isn't something negative. A lot of things in life are good and make you happy, but even good things can be overwhelming (I've never had children, but every parent I've ever talked to has said sometimes they need to get away - that's sort of the image I have circulating through my head at the moment). This is my wind. Even if no one reads and I get no answers, my troubles and thoughts are somewhere out in an endless space, where one day they may be found. And who knows? Maybe one day someone else will stumble upon them and it'll help them out. Like a lost dollar bill.
I don't plan to update this every day and have no schedule I'm trying to keep with this. Minimum, I hope to add something at least once a week.
I have just noticed the time is 2 a.m. and while I have been suffering from the inability to fall asleep until 4 a.m., I think I may try to conquer that inability again tonight.
So for now, enjoy every moment of your life: the good and the bad.
I'm not exactly sure about how to do this - it's quite unlike my backpacking blog, where I'd post about my daily excursions, emotions, challenges, and revelations. This, this is something else entirely.
As I named it, this is sort of the place I'm putting the overfill from my brain. For those of you who do not know me well, here's a little bit about me: if I have a piece of paper and a pen in front of me, with no direct purpose (such as note taking), or if I find the purpose dull and unengaging, I tend to doodle little pictures, write random words or phrases, and scattered thoughts that flit through my brain.
While keeping that in mind, please know that I do not always have my thoughts finalized and polished, which means, the posts on the blog may not be always be complete or even make sense. For that, I am not sorry - because for the poor unfortunate souls (I just had a flash of a mermaid with red hair go through my head) who come across this and decide to brave it, fair warning was given. Of course, I have to wonder if you are subjecting yourself to this blog, if you're not a bit of a masochist? After all, sometimes not even I want to be in my head, I'm not exactly sure why anyone else would either.
I've been debating for nearly a month and a half if I really wanted to start a new blog. It does take work and dedication, and while I don't have much going on in my life at the moment - and so, can afford the time it takes - I haven't been sure if it's what I really wanted to be doing with my time. That, and how could anyone possibly find anything I say interesting, let alone, worth reading? I've decided that even if no one reads this, it makes me accountable to myself. It gives me time to directly reflect on who I am, and what I want to change about myself to be a better person. And that alone is worth the time (for anyone).
Part of the other reason I decided to forge ahead with this, is I realized, for nearly five weeks of my life, I wrote something. Since, in my head, I aspire to be a published author one day, the act of writing anything is a good exercise. And I realized I enjoy the simple act of writing. It holds in itself a simple release of...purging. Being able to put out and let go of anything you've been clinging to helps lift off a mental weight. Ever try speaking to the wind about your troubles? If so, you know it feels good to say them out loud, even while you know you won't get an answer or advice. It just helps to get it out. If you've never done this, I suggest trying it. It's cheaper than therapy. So I suppose that is part of my aim with this blog too. To help myself stay purged of everything that begins to be too much, even if it isn't something negative. A lot of things in life are good and make you happy, but even good things can be overwhelming (I've never had children, but every parent I've ever talked to has said sometimes they need to get away - that's sort of the image I have circulating through my head at the moment). This is my wind. Even if no one reads and I get no answers, my troubles and thoughts are somewhere out in an endless space, where one day they may be found. And who knows? Maybe one day someone else will stumble upon them and it'll help them out. Like a lost dollar bill.
I don't plan to update this every day and have no schedule I'm trying to keep with this. Minimum, I hope to add something at least once a week.
I have just noticed the time is 2 a.m. and while I have been suffering from the inability to fall asleep until 4 a.m., I think I may try to conquer that inability again tonight.
So for now, enjoy every moment of your life: the good and the bad.
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