Underestimate

All the romance aside, all the ideals, never forgetting to live is key. Therefore, never underestimate the power of a one-night stand. It can be good.

Like A Favorite Movie

I've been watching relationships start and stop around me. One of the big reasons I've seen a couple relationships end is because of the comfortability the two felt together after so long together. Now, as a person who personally hates the whole start of a relationship, (the 'getting to know you part') I find the comfortability part of a relationship to be one of the best parts. The newness and excitement of a romance is not nearly so thrilling me for me and often is the biggest reason I don't date. It terrifies me.

I've been thinking about relationships since some of the stuff in my life recently has included them, and I've been mulling over what my ideal relationship would be like. I think I've fantasied the future, the ending, before, but not the relationship itself. What am I looking for a relationship to be for me?

I've said before I am a huge movie lover. And it never fails, that when I want to watch a movie and I have absolutely no idea what I want to watch, and nothing sounds appealing, I have, what I refer to, as my 'classics.' There are just one or two movies I will watch over and over again, without fail, simply because I love them so much. I know every word, every voice inflection, facial expression, I know the movie start to finish.

It occurred to me the other day when I was looking for a movie to watch (and there was nothing that felt like the right thing) and I grabbed one of my 'classic' movies from the shelf to pop it in the player, that I want a relationship that is like a favorite movie.

Now there's no way of knowing before you see a movie if it's going to become a favorite, but that why you go to see it in the first place. Overall, I think relationships should be like watching a favorite movie: the first few times you see it, it's exciting and the anticipation is killing you until you reach the end, but then the longer you have a movie the more comfortable it becomes. You know every word, you know the end, you even know the soundtrack. But no matter what you always enjoy it, you quote it, you refer to it, and it always makes you feel good when you watch it, spend time with it. That's what I want from a relationship. That feeling of rightness.

I realize it may not be as exciting to stay home and watch a 'classic' as going to the theatre to see the new action packed flick or horror movie, but that's why we have all sorts of relationships and very few favorites.

Holding Back

I've talked before about feeling 'stalled,' like my life has plateaued. While I've been believing the reason behind this is an accumulation of circumstances coming to head, I've also been realizing perhaps some of it's me. Just me. I'm beginning to realize I have opportunities and I blame not using them on other circumstances. I think it's because I'm afraid. I'm sitting around waiting for something to happen when I could be making things happen.

I suppose what I'm most afraid of is missing out on other opportunities (the ones I'm waiting on to happen). But more and more recently I've been realizing no matter what I do, things are still going to happen whether I'm around for them or not. Things are happening in places I'm not in now to people I don't yet know or care about.

I've been so afraid about needing to make the decision between one life or another that I'm not doing either. And that's not living. I think part of it too, is I've had stuff going on with people I love and by pure chance I've been here to help. It scares me to think that if I hadn't been here they'd have been left alone. Not that they couldn't and wouldn't have been able to handle their situations or get through them, but I'm afraid that where I'd be able to help I'll be removing myself from those moments.

I'm living a life dominated by fear. Fear is the greatest inhibitor, no matter if things turn out good or bad or somewhere in between. Chances are the key to living fully and my own fears, whether they're only in my head or if they're real are the things holding me back.

I know now that I have to work on moving past my fears and regardless how life turns out be thankful for the opportunities.

A New Year

Well, 2013 has arrived and I left everything from 2012 right where I last laid it down. I've always thought that New Year's resolutions and goals to be a bit silly, not because trying to be better is bad or wrong, but because it's never made sense to me to try to make changes that are supposedly so important to yourself at the start of a new year. Why not just start when you realize they're important for you to change? I've always intellectually understood the premise of a new year, a clean slate, but it doesn't mean the year before doesn't carry into the new one. If our lives are a book, and each year a chapter, the newest chapter means nothing without the previous. We are nothing without our history. Of course too, I don't think this should mean people shouldn't strive to be better and grow, but there are so many factors to contribute to this. A new year, to me, has never seemed to be the pivotal point we should rely on. Realistically, I think the very smallest minimum is a day. A day is a chapter of our lives, and every day we awake we should strive to be a better version of ourselves.

Now, I don't know if it's the Universe's way of getting in a little dig, but as it would happen, last night, New Year's Eve, awfully close to midnight, I sort of had a revelation (I'll do a quick recap here so the revelation makes sense). I've talked about my hereditary Catholic guilt, the always feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough (even though it's always more than required), the worry about making others feel bad, and the hesitation for extremely personal relationships. Before I've always had a grasp on why these things 'hold me back' for lack of a better explanation, but my reasoning never seemed quite solid, even to me. I've finally realized, I've finally gotten a firm hold on what's been holding me back. It's not a lack of courage, it's not the worry of being rejected, but it's the extreme fear of being a disappointment. The idea that I could so horribly disappoint someone else scares the shit out of me. Because then I've failed. When I don't have to concern myself with how what I do is affecting another then there's no one to let down.

What if I become a writer or photographer? What if what I do doesn't bring joy or smiles? Or I can't give them what they want? What if I'm in a relationship with someone and I don't make them happy? What if they start to realize there's someone out there who's better? Could I blame them for leaving? I know basing my life and life's happiness off of trying to please others is irrational, but to a degree it's also dependent on doing just that. I could never hold a job if I don't meet certain expectations. No one could.

I don't know why this is my biggest fear, but there it is. I'm afraid of being a disappointment. Of never quite being enough. I guess with this new year, since the timing is against me, my goal, resolution, is to find ways to recreate my self worth, and take the chances I've been avoiding.