A New Year

Well, 2013 has arrived and I left everything from 2012 right where I last laid it down. I've always thought that New Year's resolutions and goals to be a bit silly, not because trying to be better is bad or wrong, but because it's never made sense to me to try to make changes that are supposedly so important to yourself at the start of a new year. Why not just start when you realize they're important for you to change? I've always intellectually understood the premise of a new year, a clean slate, but it doesn't mean the year before doesn't carry into the new one. If our lives are a book, and each year a chapter, the newest chapter means nothing without the previous. We are nothing without our history. Of course too, I don't think this should mean people shouldn't strive to be better and grow, but there are so many factors to contribute to this. A new year, to me, has never seemed to be the pivotal point we should rely on. Realistically, I think the very smallest minimum is a day. A day is a chapter of our lives, and every day we awake we should strive to be a better version of ourselves.

Now, I don't know if it's the Universe's way of getting in a little dig, but as it would happen, last night, New Year's Eve, awfully close to midnight, I sort of had a revelation (I'll do a quick recap here so the revelation makes sense). I've talked about my hereditary Catholic guilt, the always feeling like nothing I do is ever good enough (even though it's always more than required), the worry about making others feel bad, and the hesitation for extremely personal relationships. Before I've always had a grasp on why these things 'hold me back' for lack of a better explanation, but my reasoning never seemed quite solid, even to me. I've finally realized, I've finally gotten a firm hold on what's been holding me back. It's not a lack of courage, it's not the worry of being rejected, but it's the extreme fear of being a disappointment. The idea that I could so horribly disappoint someone else scares the shit out of me. Because then I've failed. When I don't have to concern myself with how what I do is affecting another then there's no one to let down.

What if I become a writer or photographer? What if what I do doesn't bring joy or smiles? Or I can't give them what they want? What if I'm in a relationship with someone and I don't make them happy? What if they start to realize there's someone out there who's better? Could I blame them for leaving? I know basing my life and life's happiness off of trying to please others is irrational, but to a degree it's also dependent on doing just that. I could never hold a job if I don't meet certain expectations. No one could.

I don't know why this is my biggest fear, but there it is. I'm afraid of being a disappointment. Of never quite being enough. I guess with this new year, since the timing is against me, my goal, resolution, is to find ways to recreate my self worth, and take the chances I've been avoiding.