Compromise

I'm not really sure what I want to write about today. I just feel as if it's a good day to put something out into the universe. 

I know I've mentioned several times on this blog that trying to figure out my future. Trying to decide how to not end up feeling I've 'settled' with my life, but also where I feel as though I've lived fully. Since my last post about two weeks ago, some things have slowly started to solidify in my brain and heart about my life. I can have both through compromise. I may only get half of each life I desire, but I see it as two halves making a whole. I'm not sure yet which halves are coming my way, but I'm going to try to compromise for both.

I know I don't talk much about love or relationships, mostly because I'm not exactly all that good in them (romantic ones). Logically, I have no problems,  but it's the emotional aspect of it.

Sort of a side note, I carry this weird guilty negativity within myself (my grandmother is a really good guilty Catholic, and I know it's not genetic, but so far I haven't found another explanation for it). I tend to focus on every bad thing I think I've done to someone, while they completely forget about it (because realistically it's nothing terrible - just typical human behavior). I continually beat myself up feeling as if things are all my fault if something bad or wrong happens with a friend or team. This guilt is part of why I was never big on being on team sports in school because I know I would always feel as losing would be because of a mistake I made.

So I always find myself surprised when people want to spend time with me and get to know me. It's a difficult thing for me to say to myself "you deserve this, you are allowed to not beat yourself up and that you're worth it." I have been realizing this negativity and guilt has been inhibiting my heart. It's difficult for me to open up with people. It's hard for me to depend on others, because I've always made myself a one person team. I've always taken care of myself, because not only am I afraid of letting down others, I'm afraid of being let down.  My fear of being let down is problematic because it's upsetting and frustrating, but then I feel guilty over being angry.

I've been putting hours and weeks into thinking about my future and realizing I can be happy through compromise, and while doing so I've realized there is no compromise for my heart. I can't be guarded and negative and full of ridiculous 'guilt' because it will stop me from being happy in love. And it sounds silly, but love is important. Love inspires and heals and makes us better. I don't think it's an accident either that love requires a person to open up and depend on another. Yes, it can end up hurting you, but everything you get out of being loved and loving, is something you can't compromise. Love makes a person better. Love means going forward and accepting, not only someone else, but yourself.

Do not compromise your heart for your brain. Always love and be willing to love.