I was watching the movie Imagine Me & You last night (a British film, not a big box office movie, but such a good one). Anyway, even though I've watched this movie dozens of times, something happened that often happens: I felt something click inside my head; something that speaks true (part of why I love watching all my movies over and again, because depending on my current life situation, they teach me something new).
The quote (or the part that hit me) is as follows: "We don't know, you can never be sure. . . Sure is for people who don't love enough." While the premise of the movie is about love, and about questioning who you love, I took this to mean so much more (but seriously, watch the movie anyway - so good and full of humor). I think what it means is that love is a leap of faith. If you have to wait until you're 'sure' then you don't love enough. It's hard to known things for certain and waiting until you're positive is wasting a lot of time.
After hearing it I think about my life and how the word "sure" is applicable. I always feel so uncertain about myself. The things I do, the things I say, second guessing them after they are already done, and I don't believe I've turned out to be a terrible person. Have I made mistakes? Absolutely, but I also know I've taken chances. And I also haven't taken chances. There are areas of my life where I need to risk more, instead of being afraid, instead of waiting to be sure. Of course this is easier said than done, but it I know I'll always being thinking about this quote whenever I don't take a chance. I know I'll always be kicking my own ass when I don't do something I want to do. I have to stop waiting for "sure" and just live. "Sure" is doubt, and I don't want my life to be nothing but voids filled with doubt. I want it to be full and without regret.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Good, Decent, and Honest
Nature has shown us that animals who posses the flashiest of their spieces' characteristics are the ones who get the best and often first choice of mates. We've all heard of the term 'peacocking' which refers to wearing ridiculous get-ups to attract the attention of women, mimicked of course from the peacocks who try to impress peahens by fanning out their tails which are colorful and full. Naturally, the male with the best tail gets the best mates.
How does this translate into today's culture? It's exactly the same. Biological impulses program humans to be attracted to the most physically fit males because they are perceived as good providers, in another word, hunters. The same impulses make women with wider hips, bigger breasts, and an overall healthy look more attractive because nature is saying these are the women who are best fit for child bearing. Typically to go with this, these people are exceptionally attractive. Nature shows the one who is most attractive (symmetrical) often rises to the top, which is why it is natural to see attractive people as couples.
(Complete side note, but my theory on couples is as follows: if, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not all attractive and 10 being the most attractive, people will normally date or couple within a two number range of their own attraction number. So, if for example, someone is an eight, he or she may date someone who is an eight, seven, or nine. Have you ever looked at couples and thought, "wow, they almost look alike?" I see it all the time, and I think as couples get older together, they tend to continue to look more like the other. Very rarely do we see someone who is an eight coupled with someone who is a three. I suppose you could argue this is nature taking it's course).
Maybe it's just my experience, but usually how it works it, is the people who know they're attractive, trend toward being more selfish, self-involved, entitled, and a whole myriad of related terms because nature dictates they can hold out for the best because their 'peacock tail' always wins for them. Unfortunately, in my life and the lives of my friends and family, the peacocks with the flashiest of the flashiest tails are the ones who are selfish and mean. They leave a lot of disappointment when they show their true colors. I've been reminded a lot lately (indirectly) of how often these people show up, of how many there actually are. It also reminds me of how important it is to fill up my life with good, decent, and honest people and to strive to be a good, decent, and honest person.
As for me, I'm not looking for the flashiest mate. I'm looking for the honest one. The one who may back out of a fight, not because of cowardice, but for a purpose much greater and more meaningful than showing off his strength. Sometimes, a good person needs to be everything.
Whether you're in a relationship or not, try to find honest people, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends in general to surround yourself with. Life becomes so much for fulfilling.
How does this translate into today's culture? It's exactly the same. Biological impulses program humans to be attracted to the most physically fit males because they are perceived as good providers, in another word, hunters. The same impulses make women with wider hips, bigger breasts, and an overall healthy look more attractive because nature is saying these are the women who are best fit for child bearing. Typically to go with this, these people are exceptionally attractive. Nature shows the one who is most attractive (symmetrical) often rises to the top, which is why it is natural to see attractive people as couples.
(Complete side note, but my theory on couples is as follows: if, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not all attractive and 10 being the most attractive, people will normally date or couple within a two number range of their own attraction number. So, if for example, someone is an eight, he or she may date someone who is an eight, seven, or nine. Have you ever looked at couples and thought, "wow, they almost look alike?" I see it all the time, and I think as couples get older together, they tend to continue to look more like the other. Very rarely do we see someone who is an eight coupled with someone who is a three. I suppose you could argue this is nature taking it's course).
Maybe it's just my experience, but usually how it works it, is the people who know they're attractive, trend toward being more selfish, self-involved, entitled, and a whole myriad of related terms because nature dictates they can hold out for the best because their 'peacock tail' always wins for them. Unfortunately, in my life and the lives of my friends and family, the peacocks with the flashiest of the flashiest tails are the ones who are selfish and mean. They leave a lot of disappointment when they show their true colors. I've been reminded a lot lately (indirectly) of how often these people show up, of how many there actually are. It also reminds me of how important it is to fill up my life with good, decent, and honest people and to strive to be a good, decent, and honest person.
As for me, I'm not looking for the flashiest mate. I'm looking for the honest one. The one who may back out of a fight, not because of cowardice, but for a purpose much greater and more meaningful than showing off his strength. Sometimes, a good person needs to be everything.
Whether you're in a relationship or not, try to find honest people, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends in general to surround yourself with. Life becomes so much for fulfilling.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Is It Irony?
Two posts ago I stated that on my days off I would sit down and write something for one hour. Not really that much of a commitment, because the truth is, everyone easily wastes more than one hour a day by trying to justify and avoid doing something they should be getting on with (going to the gym for example).
Ironically (or maybe it's not actually irony but the universe taking 'pity' on me), every day I've had off since that post other things that needed to get done have kept cropping up. It's bizarre.
Not that there's much point to this or even a moral, but this is the first day I've had off with far fewer things to do and may actually get some writing done.
Ironically (or maybe it's not actually irony but the universe taking 'pity' on me), every day I've had off since that post other things that needed to get done have kept cropping up. It's bizarre.
Not that there's much point to this or even a moral, but this is the first day I've had off with far fewer things to do and may actually get some writing done.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
An Early Night
I live in the north part of the Midwest, so by the time summer has faded away into nothing but good ol' summer memories that'll be reflected upon when thinking about a time that was completely care free, the sun goes down by work day's end, which means winter is quickly approaching, bringing with it cold winds and icy roads. Many people like to complain about the winter months, myself included, on occasion, but there is something magical about the sun going to bed early; I live in a fairly small town, so as soon as Halloween is over, Christmas wreaths, lights, bows, and other decorations are on every business front and most of the cities' houses. The lights come on at the first hint of dark, lighting the town aglow giving it the appeal of a ginger bread house.
While I do not enjoy the tedious task of shoveling, I even like the snow: my particular favorite is when the flakes are big, clumpy, and dry, and fall swirling through the wind to the ground, so when I look up at the sky, I feel like I'm in the middle of a snow globe. It helps me feel alone in the depths of the sky - it helps me connect with all of myself, when I feel like I have and unending to eternity to fall into. I love the early nights of winter. Winter can get long and a bit lonely, but I find it peaceful as well. I find the poetry of the seasons to be reflected in their realities. Winter is a time when things have died and gone to sleep. Everyone talks about how death is a tragedy for the living but it is peaceful for the dead. Not that I believe myself to be dead during the colder months of the year, but it is a nice time to reflect and slow down.
I don't know why this is important for me to share, but I think it's because I see people forget to appreciate the beauty of the things we have around us. I acknowledge there are downsides to everything as well, but the negativity is easy to give into. So no matter where you live or the weather you experience, try to find some beauty to appreciate and connect with yourself.
While I do not enjoy the tedious task of shoveling, I even like the snow: my particular favorite is when the flakes are big, clumpy, and dry, and fall swirling through the wind to the ground, so when I look up at the sky, I feel like I'm in the middle of a snow globe. It helps me feel alone in the depths of the sky - it helps me connect with all of myself, when I feel like I have and unending to eternity to fall into. I love the early nights of winter. Winter can get long and a bit lonely, but I find it peaceful as well. I find the poetry of the seasons to be reflected in their realities. Winter is a time when things have died and gone to sleep. Everyone talks about how death is a tragedy for the living but it is peaceful for the dead. Not that I believe myself to be dead during the colder months of the year, but it is a nice time to reflect and slow down.
I don't know why this is important for me to share, but I think it's because I see people forget to appreciate the beauty of the things we have around us. I acknowledge there are downsides to everything as well, but the negativity is easy to give into. So no matter where you live or the weather you experience, try to find some beauty to appreciate and connect with yourself.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
A Lack of Perfection
In my last post I (unknowing I was going to do it when I started writing) talked about how I carry around this guilt and negativity, which I've also come to realize is a fear. A fear of being hurt, of being let down, and a fear of not being good enough (this is hard to admit).
I am a person of avid interests including photography, but what I would really like to do with my life is become a published author. I don't expect that I would ever become J.K. Rowling or Stephen King or Jane Austen, but I would like to at least get one book published in my life.
Since I can't find a job where I can be utilizing my degree and I'm stuck at the job I had during all of college, when I get days off, I don't really feel all that accomplished with myself. And while I have all these stories running around in my head, I have only written bits and pieces, if anything of any of my stories. And while yes, my drive is to be an author, I am so scared of even writing anything, because what if they're terrible? What if no one wants to publish them? Or perhaps worse of all, would never want to read them?
It's funny that my post the other day turned into a admission of my guilty negativity, because my mom started talking to me today about my writing, and I sort of admitted about how I don't feel like I'm doing much and should be. So she asked me why I wasn't writing and I told her what my fears are. And she told me that she and her three sisters (they have no brothers) all carry the same guilt of not being good enough, just like their mother. She gave me something to think about too - she told me, that if I really want to write, even if it doesn't turn out to be good, and without making obscene promises to myself, like I'll write six hours everyday I don't work, that I'll take the time to write for one hour. She made the good point that I'll waste an hour doing nothing on my days off, so I may as well write.
So, from this day onward, when I am able, on my days off, I am promising myself to sit down and write for one hour until I finish one book, even if it turns out to be an absolute lack of perfection. Even if it's shit and never becomes published, I can write and write and write, and maybe one day I'll actually create something that would be worthy of the world reading.
I am a person of avid interests including photography, but what I would really like to do with my life is become a published author. I don't expect that I would ever become J.K. Rowling or Stephen King or Jane Austen, but I would like to at least get one book published in my life.
Since I can't find a job where I can be utilizing my degree and I'm stuck at the job I had during all of college, when I get days off, I don't really feel all that accomplished with myself. And while I have all these stories running around in my head, I have only written bits and pieces, if anything of any of my stories. And while yes, my drive is to be an author, I am so scared of even writing anything, because what if they're terrible? What if no one wants to publish them? Or perhaps worse of all, would never want to read them?
It's funny that my post the other day turned into a admission of my guilty negativity, because my mom started talking to me today about my writing, and I sort of admitted about how I don't feel like I'm doing much and should be. So she asked me why I wasn't writing and I told her what my fears are. And she told me that she and her three sisters (they have no brothers) all carry the same guilt of not being good enough, just like their mother. She gave me something to think about too - she told me, that if I really want to write, even if it doesn't turn out to be good, and without making obscene promises to myself, like I'll write six hours everyday I don't work, that I'll take the time to write for one hour. She made the good point that I'll waste an hour doing nothing on my days off, so I may as well write.
So, from this day onward, when I am able, on my days off, I am promising myself to sit down and write for one hour until I finish one book, even if it turns out to be an absolute lack of perfection. Even if it's shit and never becomes published, I can write and write and write, and maybe one day I'll actually create something that would be worthy of the world reading.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Compromise
I'm not really sure what I want to write about today. I just feel as if it's a good day to put something out into the universe.
I know I've mentioned several times on this blog that trying to figure out my future. Trying to decide how to not end up feeling I've 'settled' with my life, but also where I feel as though I've lived fully. Since my last post about two weeks ago, some things have slowly started to solidify in my brain and heart about my life. I can have both through compromise. I may only get half of each life I desire, but I see it as two halves making a whole. I'm not sure yet which halves are coming my way, but I'm going to try to compromise for both.
I know I don't talk much about love or relationships, mostly because I'm not exactly all that good in them (romantic ones). Logically, I have no problems, but it's the emotional aspect of it.
Sort of a side note, I carry this weird guilty negativity within myself (my grandmother is a really good guilty Catholic, and I know it's not genetic, but so far I haven't found another explanation for it). I tend to focus on every bad thing I think I've done to someone, while they completely forget about it (because realistically it's nothing terrible - just typical human behavior). I continually beat myself up feeling as if things are all my fault if something bad or wrong happens with a friend or team. This guilt is part of why I was never big on being on team sports in school because I know I would always feel as losing would be because of a mistake I made.
So I always find myself surprised when people want to spend time with me and get to know me. It's a difficult thing for me to say to myself "you deserve this, you are allowed to not beat yourself up and that you're worth it." I have been realizing this negativity and guilt has been inhibiting my heart. It's difficult for me to open up with people. It's hard for me to depend on others, because I've always made myself a one person team. I've always taken care of myself, because not only am I afraid of letting down others, I'm afraid of being let down. My fear of being let down is problematic because it's upsetting and frustrating, but then I feel guilty over being angry.
I've been putting hours and weeks into thinking about my future and realizing I can be happy through compromise, and while doing so I've realized there is no compromise for my heart. I can't be guarded and negative and full of ridiculous 'guilt' because it will stop me from being happy in love. And it sounds silly, but love is important. Love inspires and heals and makes us better. I don't think it's an accident either that love requires a person to open up and depend on another. Yes, it can end up hurting you, but everything you get out of being loved and loving, is something you can't compromise. Love makes a person better. Love means going forward and accepting, not only someone else, but yourself.
Do not compromise your heart for your brain. Always love and be willing to love.
I know I've mentioned several times on this blog that trying to figure out my future. Trying to decide how to not end up feeling I've 'settled' with my life, but also where I feel as though I've lived fully. Since my last post about two weeks ago, some things have slowly started to solidify in my brain and heart about my life. I can have both through compromise. I may only get half of each life I desire, but I see it as two halves making a whole. I'm not sure yet which halves are coming my way, but I'm going to try to compromise for both.
I know I don't talk much about love or relationships, mostly because I'm not exactly all that good in them (romantic ones). Logically, I have no problems, but it's the emotional aspect of it.
Sort of a side note, I carry this weird guilty negativity within myself (my grandmother is a really good guilty Catholic, and I know it's not genetic, but so far I haven't found another explanation for it). I tend to focus on every bad thing I think I've done to someone, while they completely forget about it (because realistically it's nothing terrible - just typical human behavior). I continually beat myself up feeling as if things are all my fault if something bad or wrong happens with a friend or team. This guilt is part of why I was never big on being on team sports in school because I know I would always feel as losing would be because of a mistake I made.
So I always find myself surprised when people want to spend time with me and get to know me. It's a difficult thing for me to say to myself "you deserve this, you are allowed to not beat yourself up and that you're worth it." I have been realizing this negativity and guilt has been inhibiting my heart. It's difficult for me to open up with people. It's hard for me to depend on others, because I've always made myself a one person team. I've always taken care of myself, because not only am I afraid of letting down others, I'm afraid of being let down. My fear of being let down is problematic because it's upsetting and frustrating, but then I feel guilty over being angry.
I've been putting hours and weeks into thinking about my future and realizing I can be happy through compromise, and while doing so I've realized there is no compromise for my heart. I can't be guarded and negative and full of ridiculous 'guilt' because it will stop me from being happy in love. And it sounds silly, but love is important. Love inspires and heals and makes us better. I don't think it's an accident either that love requires a person to open up and depend on another. Yes, it can end up hurting you, but everything you get out of being loved and loving, is something you can't compromise. Love makes a person better. Love means going forward and accepting, not only someone else, but yourself.
Do not compromise your heart for your brain. Always love and be willing to love.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Love and Betrayal
I have no big lead up today. I have no point. The only thing I want this post to be about is the question I pose. Here it is:
Is it old fashion of me to think that if you're going to say "I love you" to someone that it's too much of a stretch for those simple words to mean, "I commit myself to you. You are not only enough for me, but everything for me?" Why is it today that promising yourself to a single other person, who is the part of you that is missing, is so difficult? Is it because you feel like you're boring because the fleeting thrill of the initial attraction is gone and not what makes you a complete couple anymore? Because something about being an adult (and you better be an adult if you're going to commit to someone) isn't as fun? What is so wrong with really loving someone else?
I hate the word 'cheating.' To me, cheating means your eyes slide and look at your neighbors test so you can gain a better score. Cheating in a relationship only loses you something. Twice now, in my life, I have been involved in cases of cheating (not as one of the two in the couple, but very closely related) and the effects and devastation and heartbreak from this betrayal (and I prefer the word 'betraly' because that's more accurately what it is). Why betray the person you are suppose to love? The person you commit and promise yourself to?
I have to sit and watch how it tears people apart - people who have been betrayed and those who were the betrayer. Especially when it was just a big, horrible, stupid mistake. Why even bother doing it, because it cancels out all of the wonderful times from the past and steals away the happy times that were planned for the future.
It all just makes me sick. It breaks my heart every time I think about it. And there's nothing I can do.
Is it old fashion of me to think that if you're going to say "I love you" to someone that it's too much of a stretch for those simple words to mean, "I commit myself to you. You are not only enough for me, but everything for me?" Why is it today that promising yourself to a single other person, who is the part of you that is missing, is so difficult? Is it because you feel like you're boring because the fleeting thrill of the initial attraction is gone and not what makes you a complete couple anymore? Because something about being an adult (and you better be an adult if you're going to commit to someone) isn't as fun? What is so wrong with really loving someone else?
I hate the word 'cheating.' To me, cheating means your eyes slide and look at your neighbors test so you can gain a better score. Cheating in a relationship only loses you something. Twice now, in my life, I have been involved in cases of cheating (not as one of the two in the couple, but very closely related) and the effects and devastation and heartbreak from this betrayal (and I prefer the word 'betraly' because that's more accurately what it is). Why betray the person you are suppose to love? The person you commit and promise yourself to?
I have to sit and watch how it tears people apart - people who have been betrayed and those who were the betrayer. Especially when it was just a big, horrible, stupid mistake. Why even bother doing it, because it cancels out all of the wonderful times from the past and steals away the happy times that were planned for the future.
It all just makes me sick. It breaks my heart every time I think about it. And there's nothing I can do.
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