A Lack of Perfection

In my last post I (unknowing I was going to do it when I started writing) talked about how I carry around this guilt and negativity, which I've also come to realize is a fear. A fear of being hurt, of being let down, and a fear of not being good enough (this is hard to admit).

I am a person of avid interests including photography, but what I would really like to do with my life is become a published author. I don't expect that I would ever become J.K. Rowling or Stephen King or Jane Austen, but I would like to at least get one book published in my life.

Since I can't find a job where I can be utilizing my degree and I'm stuck at the job I had during all of college, when I get days off, I don't really feel all that accomplished with myself. And while I have all these stories running around in my head, I have only written bits and pieces, if anything of any of my stories. And while yes, my drive is to be an author, I am so scared of even writing anything, because what if they're terrible? What if no one wants to publish them? Or perhaps worse of all, would never want to read them?

It's funny that my post the other day turned into a admission of my guilty negativity, because my mom started talking to me today about my writing, and I sort of admitted about how I don't feel like I'm doing much and should be. So she asked me why I wasn't writing and I told her what my fears are. And she told me that she and her three sisters (they have no brothers) all carry the same guilt of not being good enough, just like their mother. She gave me something to think about too - she told me, that if I really want to write, even if it doesn't turn out to be good, and without making obscene promises to myself, like I'll write six hours everyday I don't work, that I'll take the time to write for one hour. She made the good point that I'll waste an hour doing nothing on my days off, so I may as well write.

So, from this day onward, when I am able, on my days off, I am promising myself to sit down and write for one hour until I finish one book, even if it turns out to be an absolute lack of perfection. Even if it's shit and never becomes published, I can write and write and write, and maybe one day I'll actually create something that would be worthy of the world reading.