So, with all the reflection upon life and between all the uncertainties of what do with myself, I've had a revelation of sorts. I do photography on the side (for free at the moment to build up the start of a business and for practice), and while I was going through my photos of my last shoot, I realized this is what I really want to be doing. I want to be taking personal photographs for people. Preserving authentic moments for couples, their children, their grandchildren, and anyone else. Capturing the essence of who a person is or who two people are together or as a family is such compelling thing for me to do. In addition, it's not just capturing families or couples, it's capturing the universe or something true about it. A snapshot of someone on the street or a picture of a ruined building.
For me, the thought of being able to capture a piece of beauty and relate it to others, is what I really want to be able to do. Of course this begs for the question of how do I do this full-time? The answer became simple for me: I don't. What I realized has to happen for me is an accumulation of a couple of things. The first, to find a job with more stability in my hours. Right now my job varies so much in the hours I work and the days in which I work them. I need a job where I know every single day what I'm going to be working. In addition, my job needs to be full time where I get vacation hours so I can travel. It doesn't matter where, but I just need to be able to take time off now and then. Second I need to make more money. This hinges too, on a better job. I don't need to be making a ton more money (of course it'd be a lie to say that I wouldn't love to make a lot of it - who wouldn't?), but a little more than now so I can more easily save. I suppose if this leads to an eventual full-time profession, I would be delighted. I think what I've been waiting for was to find a solution on how to make it a full time job, right now, and be successful. I've realized I've been looking at it wrong. I need to do it as a full-time interest without the expectation of living on it, but enjoying doing it and living my life in the mean time. I don't know about everything else right now, but within the last twenty-four hours, since this clicked, I've felt so much better.
I've spent a good amount of time with my friends the last few days, and I've always had trouble opening up, but I've realized I need to, so I can see if I'm alone in the way I've been feeling, and as it turns out, I'm not. And it makes me feel better to know that. It seems that my stress is down by being able to let go and share. I don't know if that's what helped me to make my realization, but it helps a bit more with the day to day.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Whose Expectations?
When I think about my day to day life (my job, routine, even the food I eat) I can't help but wonder whose expectations I'm living. I feel as though there is a set design in this world that determines who and what you should not only be, but what you should also want from life.
When this started to occur to me I tried thinking back to when I was little and what my response was when people asked me what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. I don't remember ever having an answer. I've never really known what I've wanted to do with my life. I still don't know - even after finishing my degree, which is suppose to be the accumulation of experiencing and figuring out what you want for your future. The only thing I've ever had an interest in is travel. And travel in the truest sense of filling up all of my senses: the sounds, colors, textures, smells, and tastes. However, there is no profession where you just get to 'travel.' There are jobs where you travel for work, but the amount of exploring and experiencing you get to do is minute.
In the mean time, where I'm still working at my college job, part time (full-time hours), and not doing anything I'm going to be happy looking back on when I'm old, I can't help but wonder what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting to just fall into the life most of society expects: the one where I meet someone and fall in love, get married, have kids, a mortgage, and a high-end middle class job? I don't think that's what I want. But at the same time, since that is the mainstream lifestyle I don't know what else I'm suppose to do or how to do it.
I've never felt like I belong or do what's 'normal' and it's hard to try to do something else when everyone else expects you to be following a certain avenue. And even more distressing is when someone asks you what you want to be doing in the future and you have no idea. I have no idea what I want. I have no plan. And I feel like I should. I can I even start looking to do something when I don't know what I'm looking for?
I feel too, that if I don't make a decision soon, it's going to be too late for me to make the one I want. The choice is going to be taken away simply because time is going to run out. I'm only going to have certain options left, and I'm going to have to settle. And I don't want to be one of those people who end up bitter because I've lived a life where I've settled for second best since that's all there was.
I know I need to figure out what my own expectations are. Then I need to make a plan on how to fulfill them. Sometimes it'd be great if the universe would just send a blatant sign. Or helping hand. Just something to get me going.
When this started to occur to me I tried thinking back to when I was little and what my response was when people asked me what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. I don't remember ever having an answer. I've never really known what I've wanted to do with my life. I still don't know - even after finishing my degree, which is suppose to be the accumulation of experiencing and figuring out what you want for your future. The only thing I've ever had an interest in is travel. And travel in the truest sense of filling up all of my senses: the sounds, colors, textures, smells, and tastes. However, there is no profession where you just get to 'travel.' There are jobs where you travel for work, but the amount of exploring and experiencing you get to do is minute.
In the mean time, where I'm still working at my college job, part time (full-time hours), and not doing anything I'm going to be happy looking back on when I'm old, I can't help but wonder what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting to just fall into the life most of society expects: the one where I meet someone and fall in love, get married, have kids, a mortgage, and a high-end middle class job? I don't think that's what I want. But at the same time, since that is the mainstream lifestyle I don't know what else I'm suppose to do or how to do it.
I've never felt like I belong or do what's 'normal' and it's hard to try to do something else when everyone else expects you to be following a certain avenue. And even more distressing is when someone asks you what you want to be doing in the future and you have no idea. I have no idea what I want. I have no plan. And I feel like I should. I can I even start looking to do something when I don't know what I'm looking for?
I feel too, that if I don't make a decision soon, it's going to be too late for me to make the one I want. The choice is going to be taken away simply because time is going to run out. I'm only going to have certain options left, and I'm going to have to settle. And I don't want to be one of those people who end up bitter because I've lived a life where I've settled for second best since that's all there was.
I know I need to figure out what my own expectations are. Then I need to make a plan on how to fulfill them. Sometimes it'd be great if the universe would just send a blatant sign. Or helping hand. Just something to get me going.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Walls
Finding yourself facing a wall is not the obstacle. The obstacle is in letting yourself believe there's no way to climb it.
As it so happens, I've been 'walling.' Lately, all around in my life, I turn and find a wall. It's discouraging. It goes from trying to believe and hold on to the idea that things will turn out how they're suppose to, to start feeling as though every wall against you, is a personal attack.
Yesterday, when confronted with just one more heavy brick, I felt like throwing in the towel on it all. It seemed like the last straw I could carry. The last slap in the face from the universe I could take with any amount of grace. Almost like a cruel joke. It made me begin to wonder why I just keep trying so hard when it feels like all I do is fail.
And that question starts a cascading flow of negative thoughts about who I am and what I'm really doing with my life; it un-dams any stability I've built for myself and it ends up isolating me. Looking back, I've realized far too many times in the past, I've given up - I've let the bricks and the walls define me and stop me.
I don't know what happened (maybe just a good night's sleep), but somehow this morning I woke up and realized all the work and changes I've been making aren't worth throwing the towel in on quite yet. I still have an end game, where I'm at now was never meant to be it, and it's just a matter of being able to keep going. One more brick on the wall is nothing. It just means a little more work to get to the top - and since I knew I wasn't done yet, it's that much easier to continue to climb.
As it so happens, I've been 'walling.' Lately, all around in my life, I turn and find a wall. It's discouraging. It goes from trying to believe and hold on to the idea that things will turn out how they're suppose to, to start feeling as though every wall against you, is a personal attack.
Yesterday, when confronted with just one more heavy brick, I felt like throwing in the towel on it all. It seemed like the last straw I could carry. The last slap in the face from the universe I could take with any amount of grace. Almost like a cruel joke. It made me begin to wonder why I just keep trying so hard when it feels like all I do is fail.
And that question starts a cascading flow of negative thoughts about who I am and what I'm really doing with my life; it un-dams any stability I've built for myself and it ends up isolating me. Looking back, I've realized far too many times in the past, I've given up - I've let the bricks and the walls define me and stop me.
I don't know what happened (maybe just a good night's sleep), but somehow this morning I woke up and realized all the work and changes I've been making aren't worth throwing the towel in on quite yet. I still have an end game, where I'm at now was never meant to be it, and it's just a matter of being able to keep going. One more brick on the wall is nothing. It just means a little more work to get to the top - and since I knew I wasn't done yet, it's that much easier to continue to climb.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Funhouse
Lately I've been doing a lot to make improvements in my life. Most of it is hard to explain, but where a portion of it lies is in taking better care of myself, physically. Since December I've gotten rid of close to 45 pounds (I'm not positive on the exact value) and have been working with a fabulous personal trainer to build my muscle strength and keep my nutrition on track.
In addition, I've been concentrating more on being happy. This doesn't, on its surface, appear as though it would be something difficult to do, but as a person who does not naturally have one of those 'bubbly' or 'calm' or happy personalities, this is a chore for me. Not that I have a depressed personality and walk around gloomy all the time, but I am a very emotional person and react emotionally to nearly everything. A couple years ago I realized that I was burning myself out reacting so strongly to everything. Every single stupid little thing I could get worked up about was a battle. I have always been this way. I realized that being this way was hindering me and stopping me from being happy. It seems contradictory but being emotional was stopping me from being happy. I've been working on this and working on letting the little things, and especially things I have no control over, go. It's much harder than you could believe.
It has seemed to me over the last four nearly five months now, my life has been pulling together. I've noticed that I feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I do attribute that to many of the changes I've been working toward. And I've been happy with how I've been the past few months.
But within the last couple of days I don't know what's happened: I feel as though I keep hitting walls. I feel as though I'm in a fun house and the possibilities or opportunities I've started imagining for myself are doors, and every door I go to open is stuck. And I have to keep pulling on doors. And every door I move onto won't budge.
Experience has taught me that things work out how they are suppose to, but it doesn't mean that the locked doors aren't disheartening. I keep yanking on door handles, getting pushed through the fun house, completely disoriented and confused, just looking for the right door to lead me out.
I don't know what my struggle is with it the last couple of days, but I feel as though I keep getting let down and disappointed by people and things. And in many ways I keep trying to tell myself these weren't mine to let me down. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for this disappointment because I'm reaching too far for myself too soon. I have made changes and have had success with them, and have noticed positive reactions from them and obviously want more.
I'm not sure what my point is. I guess right now, I feel a bit empty and let down. I feel good overall, but just down the last few days. I don't know if I'm expecting too much of myself or too much of others. Or both.
In addition, I've been concentrating more on being happy. This doesn't, on its surface, appear as though it would be something difficult to do, but as a person who does not naturally have one of those 'bubbly' or 'calm' or happy personalities, this is a chore for me. Not that I have a depressed personality and walk around gloomy all the time, but I am a very emotional person and react emotionally to nearly everything. A couple years ago I realized that I was burning myself out reacting so strongly to everything. Every single stupid little thing I could get worked up about was a battle. I have always been this way. I realized that being this way was hindering me and stopping me from being happy. It seems contradictory but being emotional was stopping me from being happy. I've been working on this and working on letting the little things, and especially things I have no control over, go. It's much harder than you could believe.
It has seemed to me over the last four nearly five months now, my life has been pulling together. I've noticed that I feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I do attribute that to many of the changes I've been working toward. And I've been happy with how I've been the past few months.
But within the last couple of days I don't know what's happened: I feel as though I keep hitting walls. I feel as though I'm in a fun house and the possibilities or opportunities I've started imagining for myself are doors, and every door I go to open is stuck. And I have to keep pulling on doors. And every door I move onto won't budge.
Experience has taught me that things work out how they are suppose to, but it doesn't mean that the locked doors aren't disheartening. I keep yanking on door handles, getting pushed through the fun house, completely disoriented and confused, just looking for the right door to lead me out.
I don't know what my struggle is with it the last couple of days, but I feel as though I keep getting let down and disappointed by people and things. And in many ways I keep trying to tell myself these weren't mine to let me down. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for this disappointment because I'm reaching too far for myself too soon. I have made changes and have had success with them, and have noticed positive reactions from them and obviously want more.
I'm not sure what my point is. I guess right now, I feel a bit empty and let down. I feel good overall, but just down the last few days. I don't know if I'm expecting too much of myself or too much of others. Or both.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
The Itch
I don't know if I've ever mentioned it here, but I know it's that tiny little author bio on one side of the website, (which is really nothing more than a blip and usually overlooked) but last spring, I took five weeks out of my daily life and backpacked through Europe. I started in Rome, Italy, and made my way up through France, Ireland, and England, finally taking my departure from London. This trip had been something I always wanted to do. When the full reality of it started becoming more than an ideal or dream and started turning into an actuality, it took me two years of careful planning, saving, and research in order to make it happen. Being the first trip I ever took alone and ever being out of the country, I needed to make sure I knew what the hell I was doing (in theory) because I knew the reality of what was going to face me when I got there was going to be completely chaotic and disorienting.
About half way through my trip I started feeling as though this was going to be enough. Five weeks backpacking on my own, completely starting over in every city with the people I met, unpacking my bag, re-packing my bag, only ever really communicating with my friends and family electronically and from thousands of miles away, I honestly believed I was ready for the next part of my life. I figured whatever had been that driving force, the drum that constantly beat in the background of my life urging me to take this trip had been silenced. On my arrival home I felt content. The familiarity of my family and friends, even my job that I don't particularly care for, was welcoming. It felt right. I lacked the desire to leave and the need to stay was stronger than ever.
Make no mistake, my trip was amazing! I had a great time. The things I got to do and see, the people I met, the things I learned, and especially the things I learned about myself, were completely worth it. But for as fun as it was too, I had a lot of ups and downs. There were days I had full blown panic attacks from being scared out of my mind. Or days I simply was struggling with the distance and the loneliness.
It has been almost exactly eleven months since I left for Europe. I suppose I'm thinking about it more now since this was the time last year I was really getting everything ready to go. It was all the last minute supply shopping, reservation confirmationing, planning, ticket checking, packing, repacking, it was absolutely everything. And now, I realize, my drum is back in full cadence, urging me to do something. To go somewhere.
The itch to be out seeing and experiencing is back and the compelling urge to simply leave is so strong. I think this time it may be even stronger than before because I know what there is to experience. I've done it once and even with the 'bad' stuff I went through on my last trip I think I'm more motivated to do it again because of it. It may be the time to start planning and saving.
It's cliche, but being young is really the time of a person's life, and if it's not now it's never.
About half way through my trip I started feeling as though this was going to be enough. Five weeks backpacking on my own, completely starting over in every city with the people I met, unpacking my bag, re-packing my bag, only ever really communicating with my friends and family electronically and from thousands of miles away, I honestly believed I was ready for the next part of my life. I figured whatever had been that driving force, the drum that constantly beat in the background of my life urging me to take this trip had been silenced. On my arrival home I felt content. The familiarity of my family and friends, even my job that I don't particularly care for, was welcoming. It felt right. I lacked the desire to leave and the need to stay was stronger than ever.
Make no mistake, my trip was amazing! I had a great time. The things I got to do and see, the people I met, the things I learned, and especially the things I learned about myself, were completely worth it. But for as fun as it was too, I had a lot of ups and downs. There were days I had full blown panic attacks from being scared out of my mind. Or days I simply was struggling with the distance and the loneliness.
It has been almost exactly eleven months since I left for Europe. I suppose I'm thinking about it more now since this was the time last year I was really getting everything ready to go. It was all the last minute supply shopping, reservation confirmationing, planning, ticket checking, packing, repacking, it was absolutely everything. And now, I realize, my drum is back in full cadence, urging me to do something. To go somewhere.
The itch to be out seeing and experiencing is back and the compelling urge to simply leave is so strong. I think this time it may be even stronger than before because I know what there is to experience. I've done it once and even with the 'bad' stuff I went through on my last trip I think I'm more motivated to do it again because of it. It may be the time to start planning and saving.
It's cliche, but being young is really the time of a person's life, and if it's not now it's never.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Non-Contradictions, Fears, and Reasons
What I find fascinating about people are the seemingly inconsistent contradictions in their personalities.That is, until you look harder at the person and realize these 'contradictions' make complete sense. For example, I knew this girl, complete girly girl, super sweet but not irritatingly so, very loving, very much a care giver, but she loved bugs. She refused to kill them. Often, when I'd spot a disturbing spider or icky centipede on the wall, and go to kill it, she'd stop me then catch and release it. The first few times this happened, I thought it was the most bizarre thing in the world. Up until I had met this girl, I had not met a girly girl, or really, any girl, who liked to free the bugs. It didn't make sense to me. But then I really started thinking about it, and concluded it made the most sense ever. She values life and living (in everything - even ugly bugs) and cares so deeply for them, she can't bring herself to kill them.
This is just one of many examples from the people I know and have met. These non-contradictions are everywhere. The things, which at first, make no sense, are the most true things about people. They are what tell you the most about who a person is.
Now, out of curiosity, I've been talking with people I know, whose opinions I value, to get a better idea of how I'm perceived. Some common words that keep appearing are: non-judgemental, independent, strong, opinionated, confident, passionate, caring, brave ('unafraid' is usually coupled with this one), smart, accepting, does the right thing, trust-worthy, and variations on all of these. So when I try to explain to them that I would in fact, rather jump out of an airplane than ask someone out, they're always surprised. To them, my hesitation/reluctance/fear of asking someone out, doesn't match their idea of who I am. How they have me figured out is as someone who just does what she does.
When this first started coming up I couldn't figure out why everyone around me had me figured out to be a person who could so easily put myself out there to another, because it's something I've never been good at. So, when I kept hearing this, I tried to take a step back from myself and figure out why there were inconsistencies between the way others see me and they way I see myself. This is where my 'non-contradictions' theory has emerged from, for the most part.
What I've realized is I am good at the things that lie outside myself. That's why I can give objective and rational advice to others, that's why I can take risks for myself that do not include others, that's why I can accept other people and their differences so easily, because they don't affect me. Not really. The interpersonal side to my life is the area I struggle with. (Previous posts explain some of this in more depth). I allow others to rely on me because I know I won't let them down; that's a part of who I am. But I've trained myself over the years to not rely on anyone else because I have been let down, and I find that one of the most disappointing things in life. To constantly be let down. I've set my mind to putting myself in second place for everything and everyone. I always expect to come second.
Rationally, I realize this is wrong. Everyone deserves to come in first, for at least a few people in their life. Everyone deserves to be loved. To be thought of first. That is something I believe, but I have hard time applying it to myself. To believe I deserve it. And I know at the root of all of it, it's fear. The fear of needing, the fear of disappointment, the fear of being alone because someone didn't want me, and the overall fear of losing all I am in another.
There are days I wish I could be the person everyone apparently sees me as. In fact, that's most days. I wish my confidence in relation to my own deeper emotions were stronger. I wish that I could say the things I'm thinking, but I don't. I'm afraid I'm the only person who feels the way I feel, and I'll sound like an idiot. I'm afraid of being rejected or laughed at. The truth is I'm afraid of other people. I'm afraid someone could love me. I'm afraid of what it would do to me.
It's a hard thing to admit. Especially since I'm a person who works hard at not needing. But lately, I find myself doing just that. I don't think I have a 'conclusion' today. I just wanted to be able to put this out there. Not where it needs to go, but it's out there.
I think the best anyone can hope to do is to get things right, at least once in our life.
This is just one of many examples from the people I know and have met. These non-contradictions are everywhere. The things, which at first, make no sense, are the most true things about people. They are what tell you the most about who a person is.
Now, out of curiosity, I've been talking with people I know, whose opinions I value, to get a better idea of how I'm perceived. Some common words that keep appearing are: non-judgemental, independent, strong, opinionated, confident, passionate, caring, brave ('unafraid' is usually coupled with this one), smart, accepting, does the right thing, trust-worthy, and variations on all of these. So when I try to explain to them that I would in fact, rather jump out of an airplane than ask someone out, they're always surprised. To them, my hesitation/reluctance/fear of asking someone out, doesn't match their idea of who I am. How they have me figured out is as someone who just does what she does.
When this first started coming up I couldn't figure out why everyone around me had me figured out to be a person who could so easily put myself out there to another, because it's something I've never been good at. So, when I kept hearing this, I tried to take a step back from myself and figure out why there were inconsistencies between the way others see me and they way I see myself. This is where my 'non-contradictions' theory has emerged from, for the most part.
What I've realized is I am good at the things that lie outside myself. That's why I can give objective and rational advice to others, that's why I can take risks for myself that do not include others, that's why I can accept other people and their differences so easily, because they don't affect me. Not really. The interpersonal side to my life is the area I struggle with. (Previous posts explain some of this in more depth). I allow others to rely on me because I know I won't let them down; that's a part of who I am. But I've trained myself over the years to not rely on anyone else because I have been let down, and I find that one of the most disappointing things in life. To constantly be let down. I've set my mind to putting myself in second place for everything and everyone. I always expect to come second.
Rationally, I realize this is wrong. Everyone deserves to come in first, for at least a few people in their life. Everyone deserves to be loved. To be thought of first. That is something I believe, but I have hard time applying it to myself. To believe I deserve it. And I know at the root of all of it, it's fear. The fear of needing, the fear of disappointment, the fear of being alone because someone didn't want me, and the overall fear of losing all I am in another.
There are days I wish I could be the person everyone apparently sees me as. In fact, that's most days. I wish my confidence in relation to my own deeper emotions were stronger. I wish that I could say the things I'm thinking, but I don't. I'm afraid I'm the only person who feels the way I feel, and I'll sound like an idiot. I'm afraid of being rejected or laughed at. The truth is I'm afraid of other people. I'm afraid someone could love me. I'm afraid of what it would do to me.
It's a hard thing to admit. Especially since I'm a person who works hard at not needing. But lately, I find myself doing just that. I don't think I have a 'conclusion' today. I just wanted to be able to put this out there. Not where it needs to go, but it's out there.
I think the best anyone can hope to do is to get things right, at least once in our life.
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