Funhouse

Lately I've been doing a lot to make improvements in my life. Most of it is hard to explain, but where a portion of it lies is in taking better care of myself, physically. Since December I've gotten rid of close to 45 pounds (I'm not positive on the exact value) and have been working with a fabulous personal trainer to build my muscle strength and keep my nutrition on track.

In addition, I've been concentrating more on being happy. This doesn't, on its surface, appear as though it would be something difficult to do, but as a person who does not naturally have one of those 'bubbly' or 'calm' or happy personalities, this is a chore for me. Not that I have a depressed personality and walk around gloomy all the time, but I am a very emotional person and react emotionally to nearly everything. A couple years ago I realized that I was burning myself out reacting so strongly to everything. Every single stupid little thing I could get worked up about was a battle. I have always been this way. I realized that being this way was hindering me and stopping me from being happy. It seems contradictory but being emotional was stopping me from being happy. I've been working on this and working on letting the little things, and especially things I have no control over, go. It's much harder than you could believe.

It has seemed to me over the last four nearly five months now, my life has been pulling together. I've noticed that I feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I do attribute that to many of the changes I've been working toward. And I've been happy with how I've been the past few months.

But within the last couple of days I don't know what's happened: I feel as though I keep hitting walls. I feel as though I'm in a fun house and the possibilities or opportunities I've started imagining for myself are doors, and every door I go to open is stuck. And I have to keep pulling on doors. And every door I move onto won't budge.

Experience has taught me that things work out how they are suppose to, but it doesn't mean that the locked doors aren't disheartening. I keep yanking on door handles, getting pushed through the fun house, completely disoriented and confused, just looking for the right door to lead me out.

I don't know what my struggle is with it the last couple of days, but I feel as though I keep getting let down and disappointed by people and things. And in many ways I keep trying to tell myself these weren't mine to let me down. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for this disappointment because I'm reaching too far for myself too soon. I have made changes and have had success with them, and have noticed positive reactions from them and obviously want more.

I'm not sure what my point is. I guess right now, I feel a bit empty and let down. I feel good overall, but just down the last few days. I don't know if I'm expecting too much of myself or too much of others. Or both.