Is It Irony?

Two posts ago I stated that on my days off I would sit down and write something for one hour. Not really that much of a commitment, because the truth is, everyone easily wastes more than one hour a day by trying to justify and avoid doing something they should be getting on with (going to the gym for example).

Ironically (or maybe it's not actually irony but the universe taking 'pity' on me), every day I've had off since that post other things that needed to get done have kept cropping up. It's bizarre.

Not that there's much point to this or even a moral, but this is the first day I've had off with far fewer things to do and may actually get some writing done.

An Early Night

I live in the north part of the Midwest, so by the time summer has faded away into nothing but good ol' summer memories that'll be reflected upon when thinking about a time that was completely care free, the sun goes down by work day's end, which means winter is quickly approaching, bringing with it cold winds and icy roads. Many people like to complain about the winter months, myself included, on occasion, but there is something magical about the sun going to bed early; I live in a fairly small town, so as soon as Halloween is over, Christmas wreaths, lights, bows, and other decorations are on every business front and most of the cities' houses. The lights come on at the first hint of dark, lighting the town aglow giving it the appeal of a ginger bread house.

While I do not enjoy the tedious task of shoveling, I even like the snow: my particular favorite is when the flakes are big, clumpy, and dry, and fall swirling through the wind to the ground, so when I look up at the sky, I feel like I'm in the middle of a snow globe. It helps me feel alone in the depths of the sky - it helps me connect with all of myself, when I feel like I have and unending to eternity to fall into. I love the early nights of winter. Winter can get long and a bit lonely, but I find it peaceful as well. I find the poetry of the seasons to be reflected in their realities. Winter is a time when things have died and gone to sleep. Everyone talks about how death is a tragedy for the living but it is peaceful for the dead. Not that I believe myself to be dead during the colder months of the year, but it is a nice time to reflect and slow down.

I don't know why this is important for me to share, but I think it's because I see people forget to appreciate the beauty of the things we have around us. I acknowledge there are downsides to everything as well, but the negativity is easy to give into. So no matter where you live or the weather you experience, try to find some beauty to appreciate and connect with yourself.

A Lack of Perfection

In my last post I (unknowing I was going to do it when I started writing) talked about how I carry around this guilt and negativity, which I've also come to realize is a fear. A fear of being hurt, of being let down, and a fear of not being good enough (this is hard to admit).

I am a person of avid interests including photography, but what I would really like to do with my life is become a published author. I don't expect that I would ever become J.K. Rowling or Stephen King or Jane Austen, but I would like to at least get one book published in my life.

Since I can't find a job where I can be utilizing my degree and I'm stuck at the job I had during all of college, when I get days off, I don't really feel all that accomplished with myself. And while I have all these stories running around in my head, I have only written bits and pieces, if anything of any of my stories. And while yes, my drive is to be an author, I am so scared of even writing anything, because what if they're terrible? What if no one wants to publish them? Or perhaps worse of all, would never want to read them?

It's funny that my post the other day turned into a admission of my guilty negativity, because my mom started talking to me today about my writing, and I sort of admitted about how I don't feel like I'm doing much and should be. So she asked me why I wasn't writing and I told her what my fears are. And she told me that she and her three sisters (they have no brothers) all carry the same guilt of not being good enough, just like their mother. She gave me something to think about too - she told me, that if I really want to write, even if it doesn't turn out to be good, and without making obscene promises to myself, like I'll write six hours everyday I don't work, that I'll take the time to write for one hour. She made the good point that I'll waste an hour doing nothing on my days off, so I may as well write.

So, from this day onward, when I am able, on my days off, I am promising myself to sit down and write for one hour until I finish one book, even if it turns out to be an absolute lack of perfection. Even if it's shit and never becomes published, I can write and write and write, and maybe one day I'll actually create something that would be worthy of the world reading.

Compromise

I'm not really sure what I want to write about today. I just feel as if it's a good day to put something out into the universe. 

I know I've mentioned several times on this blog that trying to figure out my future. Trying to decide how to not end up feeling I've 'settled' with my life, but also where I feel as though I've lived fully. Since my last post about two weeks ago, some things have slowly started to solidify in my brain and heart about my life. I can have both through compromise. I may only get half of each life I desire, but I see it as two halves making a whole. I'm not sure yet which halves are coming my way, but I'm going to try to compromise for both.

I know I don't talk much about love or relationships, mostly because I'm not exactly all that good in them (romantic ones). Logically, I have no problems,  but it's the emotional aspect of it.

Sort of a side note, I carry this weird guilty negativity within myself (my grandmother is a really good guilty Catholic, and I know it's not genetic, but so far I haven't found another explanation for it). I tend to focus on every bad thing I think I've done to someone, while they completely forget about it (because realistically it's nothing terrible - just typical human behavior). I continually beat myself up feeling as if things are all my fault if something bad or wrong happens with a friend or team. This guilt is part of why I was never big on being on team sports in school because I know I would always feel as losing would be because of a mistake I made.

So I always find myself surprised when people want to spend time with me and get to know me. It's a difficult thing for me to say to myself "you deserve this, you are allowed to not beat yourself up and that you're worth it." I have been realizing this negativity and guilt has been inhibiting my heart. It's difficult for me to open up with people. It's hard for me to depend on others, because I've always made myself a one person team. I've always taken care of myself, because not only am I afraid of letting down others, I'm afraid of being let down.  My fear of being let down is problematic because it's upsetting and frustrating, but then I feel guilty over being angry.

I've been putting hours and weeks into thinking about my future and realizing I can be happy through compromise, and while doing so I've realized there is no compromise for my heart. I can't be guarded and negative and full of ridiculous 'guilt' because it will stop me from being happy in love. And it sounds silly, but love is important. Love inspires and heals and makes us better. I don't think it's an accident either that love requires a person to open up and depend on another. Yes, it can end up hurting you, but everything you get out of being loved and loving, is something you can't compromise. Love makes a person better. Love means going forward and accepting, not only someone else, but yourself.

Do not compromise your heart for your brain. Always love and be willing to love.