Personally, I've always dealt with anxiety and panic attacks. They've never been too terrible, and not overly constant in my life, but enough to know it's squatting like a naughty toad somewhere inside of me, waiting to emerge and cause a bit of an uproar.
It had been over a year since I've had a full blown panic attack, but about two weeks ago I had one, seemingly out of the blue and with no real pin-pointable reason. It scared me. It made me begin to question whether or not how sane I am. How stable and how whole I am, as a person.
I made the decision to go talk to a counselor for the first time ever, and we covered a bunch of stuff during my session, but one thing that has been standing out to me today, is when she asked me about my interest in dating and a real long term relationship. They way she posed the question to me, was do I worry about how other perceive me? Do I want to be seen by others (romantically)?
When I've thought about before, I've always been pretty neutral on the subject. Sort of believing I could take it or leave it. But today my brain (scrambled as it is from being prodded) has yielded another response: yes, I'd like to be liked/perceived/wanted by someone else.
It's flattering to be wanted. It makes you feel like you're worth something - like who you are isn't a waste. Perhaps this is why (even though my overall interest in dating hasn't been strong) why it's disappointing when someone I think I'd like to be with or could be with, is already with someone else and therefore, not going to be interested in me.
How we see ourselves and the image we project is important to ourselves. I think we strive to make ourselves desirable. I think it's human nature to want to be wanted. Even for me.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
In the Future
Well, a little over a year past my five week backpacking journey through Europe, I've decided I'm more than ready to take another adventure. Of course the damper being that I'm now going to be starting a new job (a good thing overall, but it will slightly impede my availability).
I've decided that I want to spend some time in Germany (perhaps Denmark, and if at all possible, make my way back to Italy for a few days). I had originally planned to go to Germany on my last trip but it unfortunately time and location simply did not allow for it.
As it would happen, I could potentially go on my trip next year with the vacation I would accrue at my new job, but since I'm going to have a family wedding which will suck up plenty of vacation and money, my trip is going to be pushed to the spring of 2015. Just under two years from now. Plenty of time for me to plan and save.
I'm hoping perhaps to also take a mini vacation next fall to Boston. I'll have to wait and see on that though. Overall, I'm finding that having a stable job is going to be an asset and I can plan, save, and design my trips more easily.
I have to say I'm excited! I've been feeling a bit lately that I've lost some of my gusto, but with having decided on the perspective trips in my future, I've felt as if I've rekindled a flame within. It's made me realize how important it is to do things you love to do.
I've decided that I want to spend some time in Germany (perhaps Denmark, and if at all possible, make my way back to Italy for a few days). I had originally planned to go to Germany on my last trip but it unfortunately time and location simply did not allow for it.
As it would happen, I could potentially go on my trip next year with the vacation I would accrue at my new job, but since I'm going to have a family wedding which will suck up plenty of vacation and money, my trip is going to be pushed to the spring of 2015. Just under two years from now. Plenty of time for me to plan and save.
I'm hoping perhaps to also take a mini vacation next fall to Boston. I'll have to wait and see on that though. Overall, I'm finding that having a stable job is going to be an asset and I can plan, save, and design my trips more easily.
I have to say I'm excited! I've been feeling a bit lately that I've lost some of my gusto, but with having decided on the perspective trips in my future, I've felt as if I've rekindled a flame within. It's made me realize how important it is to do things you love to do.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Lady Luck
First, I realized how long it had been since I've posted anything and decided to jump right back into daily writing. While I realize there is probably no one who reads this, it helps for me to outline the things in my head to organize myself.
I couldn't figure out how I let myself neglect writing for so long -- when this something I really enjoy doing -- so when I finally logged back on here, and went back and reread some of my most recent posts I started considering the realizations I shared in them. I've never tried to believe I've had all the answers for myself or anyone else, but even a month and a half ago, I thought I had a lot more of them, than I actually did. At least where I concerned myself.
Let me explain: I have been, since December, working on getting myself back into "shape." I don't really know what that means, but for myself, I've been striving to be healthy, fit, and balanced. And for all the work, I can tell I feel (physically, mentally, and emotionally) better. More stable. Not perfect, and with a long way to go yet, I am feeling more positive about life, my life, overall.
Now, when I started this kick in December I was not working with a personal trainer. That happened about two months later. I suppose my end goal at that time was something much more simple and relatable: be skinny. How incredibly unimaginative for me. Right away it seemed as though my goal was exceptionally attainable. The weight starting falling off (and I was working really hard at it) and it was instantaneously noticeable. Then I met my trainer and started realizing how limiting a goal of being 'thin' actually was. Anyone can achieve being thin. I had no plans to work with him for more than a few weeks -- certainly not the 8 months it's turned into, and hopefully the months to come. I'm not sure how he did it, but slowly, patiently, he managed to convey information to me about nutrition, work outs, and a number of many other things, and in the course of doing so, has gotten me to switch around my lifestyle. When I look back to a year ago, I was not doing any of what I'm doing now. If I had been told a year ago I'd being doing it now, I probably would have laughed.
What does any of this -- the lifestyle change (not diet), the trainer, the nutrition -- have to do with anything? The answer is simple. Everything. In my pursuit of getting rid of excess weight while turning around my lifestyle to make sure this happens, I've been looking at other information for self-improvement. Typically when you go to search for one, the other appears, and rightly so. They are a pair. One without the other is only a half of a whole you need to complete a goal for balance.
Even a month and a half ago when I last posted, I didn't know that. All my previous posts about feeling unbalanced, lost, uncertain of the future, knowing I want something different, but not sure of what or how, and just wishing for it to happen, have now, suddenly cleared up for me. It's been in this past month and a half where I seriously started switching myself around, where I've realized so much more. In my research for health tips (I like information - I usually spend one weekend afternoon at my local Barnes and Noble), I've come across numerous books explaining how to actually obtain the thing you reach for. The main one, is to set a goal. A realistic, obtainable goal. Then, make a list on how you reach that goal. What do you need to do differently to get it (and you have to do something different, because you've clearly not gotten it by doing what you've been doing)?
My goal has been to figure out what I want. And while I'm still forming a solid grasp on what that may be, I take time everyday to reflect on what that is. To start, I know I want more stability in my life. Job wise. Accomplished, just recently -- I start a new job at the end of this month, after a year and half of filling out applications, taking interviews, and being rejected. That'll help. No, it's not a job that's in the field I went to school for, but it's stable. More money, and I'm keeping my current job as a very part-time position. That's my second goal - pay off some loans. That should be (mostly) accomplished by Christmas with the new job and keeping a part-time job. Outside of these two immediate goals, I have some plans, but nothing firm yet. The point of goal setting accomplishable goals, is you complete them first, then look forward again.
What I find curious is when I've shared my news about the new job with people, (friends, family, etc.) is more than one person has made a comment about how Karma and Lady Luck have been on my side (with the weight loss and new job). And not while I didn't appreciate the support and congratulations, it felt a bit - not insulting - but presumptuous that these things seemed to have just happened to me. I've been busting my butt (literally and metaphorically) for over a year on some it, to get here. Yeah, there have been tough times where I have honestly felt like throwing in the towel. Days where I knew I could quit, go back to how they were before I put in all this work, because at the time, it didn't feel as though everything I was doing was getting me anywhere. And tough days took every amount of will power and determination to get through. Telling myself I can always quit tomorrow if I wake up and still feel like it's a waste. I've been asked by some people (who know I've had rough times) why I haven't done that yet - and my response to them is "I haven't woken up tomorrow yet."
I think it helps going through all of this for my own perceptions of people. I know I've been resentful and judgmental of others when it seemed as if everything good was happening to them and I couldn't get one thing in my own life to go right. It takes a lot of work, sometimes more than it actually seems worth, to even get a tiny bit of reward in the end. I know now, eventually those tiny rewards to eventually add up to something much bigger and more complete. Even though I'm not at where I know I'm going to want to be even in five years, I know each step is important. And it's hard work, but I know I can't go back to how I was living before.
It feels good to get back to writing and put out there everything that's been rolling around in my head. While in many ways, I regret not having written hardly anything, it's been good too -- it's allowed me to focus and conclude things that are important.
Until next time.
I couldn't figure out how I let myself neglect writing for so long -- when this something I really enjoy doing -- so when I finally logged back on here, and went back and reread some of my most recent posts I started considering the realizations I shared in them. I've never tried to believe I've had all the answers for myself or anyone else, but even a month and a half ago, I thought I had a lot more of them, than I actually did. At least where I concerned myself.
Let me explain: I have been, since December, working on getting myself back into "shape." I don't really know what that means, but for myself, I've been striving to be healthy, fit, and balanced. And for all the work, I can tell I feel (physically, mentally, and emotionally) better. More stable. Not perfect, and with a long way to go yet, I am feeling more positive about life, my life, overall.
Now, when I started this kick in December I was not working with a personal trainer. That happened about two months later. I suppose my end goal at that time was something much more simple and relatable: be skinny. How incredibly unimaginative for me. Right away it seemed as though my goal was exceptionally attainable. The weight starting falling off (and I was working really hard at it) and it was instantaneously noticeable. Then I met my trainer and started realizing how limiting a goal of being 'thin' actually was. Anyone can achieve being thin. I had no plans to work with him for more than a few weeks -- certainly not the 8 months it's turned into, and hopefully the months to come. I'm not sure how he did it, but slowly, patiently, he managed to convey information to me about nutrition, work outs, and a number of many other things, and in the course of doing so, has gotten me to switch around my lifestyle. When I look back to a year ago, I was not doing any of what I'm doing now. If I had been told a year ago I'd being doing it now, I probably would have laughed.
What does any of this -- the lifestyle change (not diet), the trainer, the nutrition -- have to do with anything? The answer is simple. Everything. In my pursuit of getting rid of excess weight while turning around my lifestyle to make sure this happens, I've been looking at other information for self-improvement. Typically when you go to search for one, the other appears, and rightly so. They are a pair. One without the other is only a half of a whole you need to complete a goal for balance.
Even a month and a half ago when I last posted, I didn't know that. All my previous posts about feeling unbalanced, lost, uncertain of the future, knowing I want something different, but not sure of what or how, and just wishing for it to happen, have now, suddenly cleared up for me. It's been in this past month and a half where I seriously started switching myself around, where I've realized so much more. In my research for health tips (I like information - I usually spend one weekend afternoon at my local Barnes and Noble), I've come across numerous books explaining how to actually obtain the thing you reach for. The main one, is to set a goal. A realistic, obtainable goal. Then, make a list on how you reach that goal. What do you need to do differently to get it (and you have to do something different, because you've clearly not gotten it by doing what you've been doing)?
My goal has been to figure out what I want. And while I'm still forming a solid grasp on what that may be, I take time everyday to reflect on what that is. To start, I know I want more stability in my life. Job wise. Accomplished, just recently -- I start a new job at the end of this month, after a year and half of filling out applications, taking interviews, and being rejected. That'll help. No, it's not a job that's in the field I went to school for, but it's stable. More money, and I'm keeping my current job as a very part-time position. That's my second goal - pay off some loans. That should be (mostly) accomplished by Christmas with the new job and keeping a part-time job. Outside of these two immediate goals, I have some plans, but nothing firm yet. The point of goal setting accomplishable goals, is you complete them first, then look forward again.
What I find curious is when I've shared my news about the new job with people, (friends, family, etc.) is more than one person has made a comment about how Karma and Lady Luck have been on my side (with the weight loss and new job). And not while I didn't appreciate the support and congratulations, it felt a bit - not insulting - but presumptuous that these things seemed to have just happened to me. I've been busting my butt (literally and metaphorically) for over a year on some it, to get here. Yeah, there have been tough times where I have honestly felt like throwing in the towel. Days where I knew I could quit, go back to how they were before I put in all this work, because at the time, it didn't feel as though everything I was doing was getting me anywhere. And tough days took every amount of will power and determination to get through. Telling myself I can always quit tomorrow if I wake up and still feel like it's a waste. I've been asked by some people (who know I've had rough times) why I haven't done that yet - and my response to them is "I haven't woken up tomorrow yet."
I think it helps going through all of this for my own perceptions of people. I know I've been resentful and judgmental of others when it seemed as if everything good was happening to them and I couldn't get one thing in my own life to go right. It takes a lot of work, sometimes more than it actually seems worth, to even get a tiny bit of reward in the end. I know now, eventually those tiny rewards to eventually add up to something much bigger and more complete. Even though I'm not at where I know I'm going to want to be even in five years, I know each step is important. And it's hard work, but I know I can't go back to how I was living before.
It feels good to get back to writing and put out there everything that's been rolling around in my head. While in many ways, I regret not having written hardly anything, it's been good too -- it's allowed me to focus and conclude things that are important.
Until next time.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Living
So, with all the reflection upon life and between all the uncertainties of what do with myself, I've had a revelation of sorts. I do photography on the side (for free at the moment to build up the start of a business and for practice), and while I was going through my photos of my last shoot, I realized this is what I really want to be doing. I want to be taking personal photographs for people. Preserving authentic moments for couples, their children, their grandchildren, and anyone else. Capturing the essence of who a person is or who two people are together or as a family is such compelling thing for me to do. In addition, it's not just capturing families or couples, it's capturing the universe or something true about it. A snapshot of someone on the street or a picture of a ruined building.
For me, the thought of being able to capture a piece of beauty and relate it to others, is what I really want to be able to do. Of course this begs for the question of how do I do this full-time? The answer became simple for me: I don't. What I realized has to happen for me is an accumulation of a couple of things. The first, to find a job with more stability in my hours. Right now my job varies so much in the hours I work and the days in which I work them. I need a job where I know every single day what I'm going to be working. In addition, my job needs to be full time where I get vacation hours so I can travel. It doesn't matter where, but I just need to be able to take time off now and then. Second I need to make more money. This hinges too, on a better job. I don't need to be making a ton more money (of course it'd be a lie to say that I wouldn't love to make a lot of it - who wouldn't?), but a little more than now so I can more easily save. I suppose if this leads to an eventual full-time profession, I would be delighted. I think what I've been waiting for was to find a solution on how to make it a full time job, right now, and be successful. I've realized I've been looking at it wrong. I need to do it as a full-time interest without the expectation of living on it, but enjoying doing it and living my life in the mean time. I don't know about everything else right now, but within the last twenty-four hours, since this clicked, I've felt so much better.
I've spent a good amount of time with my friends the last few days, and I've always had trouble opening up, but I've realized I need to, so I can see if I'm alone in the way I've been feeling, and as it turns out, I'm not. And it makes me feel better to know that. It seems that my stress is down by being able to let go and share. I don't know if that's what helped me to make my realization, but it helps a bit more with the day to day.
For me, the thought of being able to capture a piece of beauty and relate it to others, is what I really want to be able to do. Of course this begs for the question of how do I do this full-time? The answer became simple for me: I don't. What I realized has to happen for me is an accumulation of a couple of things. The first, to find a job with more stability in my hours. Right now my job varies so much in the hours I work and the days in which I work them. I need a job where I know every single day what I'm going to be working. In addition, my job needs to be full time where I get vacation hours so I can travel. It doesn't matter where, but I just need to be able to take time off now and then. Second I need to make more money. This hinges too, on a better job. I don't need to be making a ton more money (of course it'd be a lie to say that I wouldn't love to make a lot of it - who wouldn't?), but a little more than now so I can more easily save. I suppose if this leads to an eventual full-time profession, I would be delighted. I think what I've been waiting for was to find a solution on how to make it a full time job, right now, and be successful. I've realized I've been looking at it wrong. I need to do it as a full-time interest without the expectation of living on it, but enjoying doing it and living my life in the mean time. I don't know about everything else right now, but within the last twenty-four hours, since this clicked, I've felt so much better.
I've spent a good amount of time with my friends the last few days, and I've always had trouble opening up, but I've realized I need to, so I can see if I'm alone in the way I've been feeling, and as it turns out, I'm not. And it makes me feel better to know that. It seems that my stress is down by being able to let go and share. I don't know if that's what helped me to make my realization, but it helps a bit more with the day to day.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Whose Expectations?
When I think about my day to day life (my job, routine, even the food I eat) I can't help but wonder whose expectations I'm living. I feel as though there is a set design in this world that determines who and what you should not only be, but what you should also want from life.
When this started to occur to me I tried thinking back to when I was little and what my response was when people asked me what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. I don't remember ever having an answer. I've never really known what I've wanted to do with my life. I still don't know - even after finishing my degree, which is suppose to be the accumulation of experiencing and figuring out what you want for your future. The only thing I've ever had an interest in is travel. And travel in the truest sense of filling up all of my senses: the sounds, colors, textures, smells, and tastes. However, there is no profession where you just get to 'travel.' There are jobs where you travel for work, but the amount of exploring and experiencing you get to do is minute.
In the mean time, where I'm still working at my college job, part time (full-time hours), and not doing anything I'm going to be happy looking back on when I'm old, I can't help but wonder what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting to just fall into the life most of society expects: the one where I meet someone and fall in love, get married, have kids, a mortgage, and a high-end middle class job? I don't think that's what I want. But at the same time, since that is the mainstream lifestyle I don't know what else I'm suppose to do or how to do it.
I've never felt like I belong or do what's 'normal' and it's hard to try to do something else when everyone else expects you to be following a certain avenue. And even more distressing is when someone asks you what you want to be doing in the future and you have no idea. I have no idea what I want. I have no plan. And I feel like I should. I can I even start looking to do something when I don't know what I'm looking for?
I feel too, that if I don't make a decision soon, it's going to be too late for me to make the one I want. The choice is going to be taken away simply because time is going to run out. I'm only going to have certain options left, and I'm going to have to settle. And I don't want to be one of those people who end up bitter because I've lived a life where I've settled for second best since that's all there was.
I know I need to figure out what my own expectations are. Then I need to make a plan on how to fulfill them. Sometimes it'd be great if the universe would just send a blatant sign. Or helping hand. Just something to get me going.
When this started to occur to me I tried thinking back to when I was little and what my response was when people asked me what I wanted to be/do when I grew up. I don't remember ever having an answer. I've never really known what I've wanted to do with my life. I still don't know - even after finishing my degree, which is suppose to be the accumulation of experiencing and figuring out what you want for your future. The only thing I've ever had an interest in is travel. And travel in the truest sense of filling up all of my senses: the sounds, colors, textures, smells, and tastes. However, there is no profession where you just get to 'travel.' There are jobs where you travel for work, but the amount of exploring and experiencing you get to do is minute.
In the mean time, where I'm still working at my college job, part time (full-time hours), and not doing anything I'm going to be happy looking back on when I'm old, I can't help but wonder what I'm waiting for? Am I waiting to just fall into the life most of society expects: the one where I meet someone and fall in love, get married, have kids, a mortgage, and a high-end middle class job? I don't think that's what I want. But at the same time, since that is the mainstream lifestyle I don't know what else I'm suppose to do or how to do it.
I've never felt like I belong or do what's 'normal' and it's hard to try to do something else when everyone else expects you to be following a certain avenue. And even more distressing is when someone asks you what you want to be doing in the future and you have no idea. I have no idea what I want. I have no plan. And I feel like I should. I can I even start looking to do something when I don't know what I'm looking for?
I feel too, that if I don't make a decision soon, it's going to be too late for me to make the one I want. The choice is going to be taken away simply because time is going to run out. I'm only going to have certain options left, and I'm going to have to settle. And I don't want to be one of those people who end up bitter because I've lived a life where I've settled for second best since that's all there was.
I know I need to figure out what my own expectations are. Then I need to make a plan on how to fulfill them. Sometimes it'd be great if the universe would just send a blatant sign. Or helping hand. Just something to get me going.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Walls
Finding yourself facing a wall is not the obstacle. The obstacle is in letting yourself believe there's no way to climb it.
As it so happens, I've been 'walling.' Lately, all around in my life, I turn and find a wall. It's discouraging. It goes from trying to believe and hold on to the idea that things will turn out how they're suppose to, to start feeling as though every wall against you, is a personal attack.
Yesterday, when confronted with just one more heavy brick, I felt like throwing in the towel on it all. It seemed like the last straw I could carry. The last slap in the face from the universe I could take with any amount of grace. Almost like a cruel joke. It made me begin to wonder why I just keep trying so hard when it feels like all I do is fail.
And that question starts a cascading flow of negative thoughts about who I am and what I'm really doing with my life; it un-dams any stability I've built for myself and it ends up isolating me. Looking back, I've realized far too many times in the past, I've given up - I've let the bricks and the walls define me and stop me.
I don't know what happened (maybe just a good night's sleep), but somehow this morning I woke up and realized all the work and changes I've been making aren't worth throwing the towel in on quite yet. I still have an end game, where I'm at now was never meant to be it, and it's just a matter of being able to keep going. One more brick on the wall is nothing. It just means a little more work to get to the top - and since I knew I wasn't done yet, it's that much easier to continue to climb.
As it so happens, I've been 'walling.' Lately, all around in my life, I turn and find a wall. It's discouraging. It goes from trying to believe and hold on to the idea that things will turn out how they're suppose to, to start feeling as though every wall against you, is a personal attack.
Yesterday, when confronted with just one more heavy brick, I felt like throwing in the towel on it all. It seemed like the last straw I could carry. The last slap in the face from the universe I could take with any amount of grace. Almost like a cruel joke. It made me begin to wonder why I just keep trying so hard when it feels like all I do is fail.
And that question starts a cascading flow of negative thoughts about who I am and what I'm really doing with my life; it un-dams any stability I've built for myself and it ends up isolating me. Looking back, I've realized far too many times in the past, I've given up - I've let the bricks and the walls define me and stop me.
I don't know what happened (maybe just a good night's sleep), but somehow this morning I woke up and realized all the work and changes I've been making aren't worth throwing the towel in on quite yet. I still have an end game, where I'm at now was never meant to be it, and it's just a matter of being able to keep going. One more brick on the wall is nothing. It just means a little more work to get to the top - and since I knew I wasn't done yet, it's that much easier to continue to climb.
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